Sweet Land of Hate

So I subscribe to Rachel Maddow's twitter and she just sent this out:
Pic 1: Pic 2: Explanation: At Obama event today:

Frankly I find this more of a threat to my President and my country more than any flag burning. That guy should have been arrested! This is not ok! It needs to be stopped now! I wish we could sick the Matthew Shepard Angel's on these people. What happened to this country, only 6 months ago if I was against the President I was deemed unpatriotic and an "unworthy inhabitant of this fair country" and now all of a sudden it's acceptable, no PATRIOTIC, to be completely against the current administration and not only that but make death threats. OH YEAH THAT'S SO AMERICAN?! Come to think of it it kind of is what other countries think of us right now. Divided and childish, you know the kind of people that stand in a hall meeting and shout things at each other without letting the other persons opinion be heard. God forbid anyone listen to the opponents point or do a little research on the facts that doesn't include wikipedia or google.

Our President has been in office six months, I refuse to believe that he is fucking up so badly to entail this! Six fucking months! Are you kidding where was this asshole sign holder during the Bush Administration? Did he even live in this country? And while I'm on the subject of President Obama and his administration might I just give publicly the one fingered salute to all those openly racist mother-fuckers that get coverage on political T.V. Fine you wanna prune something then can we prune the tree that Rush Limbaugh is on then, that shit's way over grown. And that dude that told Judge Sotomayor that she had some-splaning to do can eat shit and die as well. I'm sick of it really I grew up with this closeted racism my whole life and I would have never thought I would see the day where people can all but call someone the N or S word and it could be shown on daytime television (you know on a show other than Jerry Springer) and people just swallow this like a bad medicine hoping that it'll turn out ok. It's time for a friggin revolution. I'm not going to tolerate this ugliness anymore and I refuse to ignore it.


I can't take it anymore! We can not tolerate hate! Hate against race, sexuality and creed. The most patriotic thing I can think of is not tolerating this hidden hate anymore (especially when it is in the guise of religion), I'm gonna bring this garbage out in the open and let people know that I don't agree with this any more. We can't we can't let this stuff go on, the young Bloggers and twitters stop writing about the mundane shit in your life (No one cares that your headed to work, other than the dude that's going to relieve you) and write about things that matter and no I'm not talking about Brangelina. I think the part of the reason this stuff is going on is because our youth doesn't say anything.

Filling the Void

Back in SD... Twittering much more than I blog... Realized how much I belong in CA, even though sometimes it feels like I've been away for millions of years and people have moved on and forgotten me... Working on editing my book, 10 years in the making and I am determined to have a final copy to send out to publishers by the end of this year...Auditioning for things around town...Intend on doing projects in town before the big LA move...Need a friggin job but no one is hiring cause of the economy in the shitter...Listening to the cure... Think I'm gonna watch The Crow... So what's going on with you?

www.nataliedee.com

RIP

So I don't give a fuck what anyone thinks I am actually crushed that Michael Jackson died. I was in shock when I found out and last night I was crying and today I went to the Apollo and signed the floor and cried again. I just was watching Black or white and seeing Macauly Culkin so young made me realize that I was two years younger than him when that video came out and I was a huge fan then. Anyone who knew me as a kid knew how I was obsessed with Michael when I was a child and it never really changed (Don't make me get out the pictures! lol) I was such a lonely little girl and before I discovered rock all I had that gave me solace was my Michael Jackson tapes and recorded of the tv videos for quite awhile...I remember reading his lyric books that come with the CD's later and feeling the power that he had with words especially about loneliness and not fitting in...It's no wonder why I feel like I lost a childhood friend... I have never hidden the fact that I was a fan of his and I am not ashamed to admit that I am devastated that he is gone...

How TV Fucks children up...

I'm on you tube searching for old cartoons from my childhood cause that's what it's for. Now when I was little I watched an insane amount of cartoons and fantasy movies. So much so that sometimes I think that some of them might just be vivid dreams that I had and remember. I remember bits and pieces of them but in some cases don't remember names of programs. Which leads me to question sometimes whether or not they truly existed.

Case in point I have vivid memories of a show that is much like Rob Zombies art (see Beavis and Butthead do America trip out scene) I remember it was on MTV but that's about it. Many of the images I remember as vividly disturbing and scary but I watched and loved it anyway. Yet no one I describe this show to seems to remember it. This is the day that I found out that this cartoon wasn't a figment of my imagination, Ladies and Gentleman:
The Brothers Grunt:


Can you imagine a 11 year old watching that this day and age. I watched this clip and I felt sick. Yes, this shit still disturbs me to this day but I watched every episode.

I had a nightmare last night that I have had pretty often during my life. I know it stems from the movie Darby O'gill and the Little people. From the scene where he meets the banshee. I woke up thinking oh, that image is 50 years old it couldn't be as scary now as I thought it was, I was wrong:



It's kind of insane for me to think now that this is the stuff that I subjected myself to when I was a kid and more so that I actually took to loving it. I can remember after I saw the movie Darby O'gill I check out all the irish folklore books in my library and read a book called Wait til helen comes where a young girls sister sees a ghost. And Brothers Grunt made me want to watch Heavy Metal and then Wizard. Such disturbing images shaped my personality, in the 90's I now understand why parents at the time were so pissed off by it. But now these images are such a deep part of my psyche, ha, and I don't know if that's a good or bad thing.

There are a few other shows that I have in my head that I swear up and down are real I'll post them if I find them.

I sat on the front lawn

The thing about NY is that it is the single most loneliest city I have
ever been to in my life. Let me explain; I was walking through union
square yesterday, it was a beautiful sunny day and it was packed to
the outskirts with people. I noticed then that people were paired off
only seeming to talk to their individual groups. They all seemed to be
enjoying the day but something about this sight struck me as lonely.
And I think it's because it reminded me of lunch time in high school.
You know, goths stand by the library, chollas on the lawn, drama kids
by the drama building and no one recognizes each others existance. Now
cram this into a small park with adults. I realized holy shit this
city is one of the most populated yet smallest in the world, the
people to space ratio is totally fucked and how we seem to deal is
completely ignore one another.

Half awake poetry LOL

11:38 in the morning. I just woke up....like an hour ago... Have to be at work at 3...waiting for my Dunkin' doughnuts coffee to percolate... Went to watch Milk two nights ago, cried like a baby... Think Sean Penn was amazing and genuine in that role, surprisingly soft and determined, not the hard ass gangsta I'm used to seeing him as... thinking of auditioning for something... Job's going well... Book's getting written... Hopefully better than this entry... two solid days of sun... now fucking rain rain rain...Miss California with all my heart... never thought I'd see myself write that... Maybe it is time for a change, Obama style...

Dunkin Dominos

I am now under the impression that Dunkin' Donuts in New York is the best fucking coffee ever. I love my coffee maker, I love it so hard. Anyway, I saw the Dominos Pizza video of the employees putting shit in their noses and farting on the food way too early this morning, I think they need to go to jail simply because of the fact that they thought that they wouldn't get in trouble for it. I'm gonna read fast food nation soon so hopefully coupled with this video it'll keep me thin for life. Yay day off, my two day off goals are gym and laundry, wooo exciting. I'm thinking of doing eharmony cause I'm bored and yeah, curious but if I do I'm totally gonna tell you about how it goes, I can't wait. Anyway, I'm hungry and I'm putting off breakfast, stupid dominos hicks...

Whoa, Update

So I've been slacking on this blog for a whole month! What's been up with me, a lot has been happening this previous month. Most recently I've started a new job. Yay I'm no longer part of that lucky 22%.. I hostess at a Chocolate restaurant in union square. The people are great and yes it is something that I did back in college but I like the fact that I am actually working, you can only sit on your ass for so long. I've been at it only a few days but it's been good to me. I also have been working on another book. It's turning out well, I love it when I have something to work on. The outline is finished. I read "A million little pieces" it was all good until my friends informed me that it was all a big fucking lie. That totally killed it for me, James Grey should have just been like yo none of this happened hope you like the show. It was still a good book though, half way through I was like, yeah none of this happened, weird shit happens every day but if this happened in this order you must have been high through rehab or high while writing the book or both. And how convenient that half the people in the story are supposedly dead in the updates... OK, I'm done.

Picture of the Day

Wicked thing to do...

Oh, I play a dangerous game
I toy with my addictions
Go straight for the candy and the drink
Toy with my own emotions, tickle my heart
Smoke the last stick and tease myself by standing by the scent
Commonly denying myself the most uncommon
Until I go straight for it..

I love my readers

In regards to my previous post I got this comment on it (in case you all don't read them):

In spite of all your keen observations, you still grouped all men together into one big, negative group. Not all guys are afraid of commitment and trying to fuck on the first date or dumping girls for not putting out. The sad part is, the guys who want commitment and treat ladies with respect, etc. are completely ignored by women for dating. Most women, it seems, would rather date and fuck the assholes then bitch about it to the good guy. You know the good guy, the guy who is always there for girls to cry to, the one you "don't like that way", or the one regarded as a brother or in "the friend zone"...the one who you always bitched to about the manwhores and assholes...I wish women would realize those are the guys they should be dating, instead of bitching to them that there are no good guys. Umm...all most girls need to do to find a good guy is look at the guy next to them next time they are crying.
- Matt

So my answer is this. The previous post was not intended by any means to group all men together, just the tricky fuckers I date. I know there are men out there that want to be in loving commited relationships (If I didn't wish on this star and have hope I would have crawled in a hole and died along time ago.) You have no idea how many times I hear this from nice guys who are by the way in loving and commited relationships when they tell me. I personally don't have a "friend zone" I find those messed up and a total mind fuck for the guys I am friends with hence most of my male friends are married or gay. In all honesty I have not had a single male friend to cry on in about 2 years and the last time I tried dating my "friend zone" guy he did what other guys that I was crying to him about did: hit it and ran. He was pretty crafty I'll give him that and he was and is my absolute last friend zone guy.

My lovely (taken) male friends are exactly what I hope to find in a guy but it's just so rare for me to find someone genuine. I've dated enough to realize this I am not intentionally attracted to assholes and I believe me spot the warning signs early. So my advice to men in the friend zone, you know while your in that zone and that chick doesn't reciprocate and allows you still to be all friendly come be my friend cause women aren't stupid they know when a guy friend likes them. If she does tell you that she thinks of you as a brother pull back please and find me cause I guarantee you she knows how you feel or at least has a glimmer of a hint. Anyway, I can not tell you how much I wissssshhhhh that there was a guy that I was sitting next to that I could cry on right now, and the pisser about it is that I am with it enough to know that he would be "the one". That is one I am trying to find I guess you could say.

I wanna get down but not the first night

So, I want love, who doesn't. But what is it about this city, or officially being a grown up that makes meeting people so hard. I've been reading alot of relationship books lately (dear christ someone hire me!) and I don't know what it is with me and attracting every attractive married man or fuckwit in the area. I am really curious to find out what the hell it is that make men so shit in their pants afraid of actually committing to one person and no no I am not talking about marriage even I mean I will actually date someone to find out what they are all about. I don't know how other women do it, when a man comes and paws all over you and tries to get you to fuck him after the second date, but what runs through my head is Jesus Christ this guy barely knows me, I could have some disease or like a jealous husband that stalks me or like Vagina Dentata or something and he would be none the wiser you know until his dick withers off the following morning. And then I wonder my god does this guy do this with every girl and how many girls have done this with him, getting more and more pissed off because it is true that some men must think they can get away with these things because women allow them to.

With this ever shrinking and meek view of women still prevalent in our culture of course women do things to be top bitch in the eyes of men (remember the whole Bi-sexual trend that hit the clubs once Angelina said that she experimented, now it seems so dated) it leaves girls like me who would rather come out the battle strong, with pride and dignity, fucking dateless. I love sex just as much as the next woman, even more but hey, I am not going to do something I don't want to do just because the last bitch behind me trucked that way. I doesn't make me a prude or a tease, I just don't follow trends, I'm smart enough to know that they don't last, ever look at pictures in the yearbook. Speaking of High School I thought this shit ended there you know "Mary didn't let me put my wiener in her so I dumped her I'm gonna go with Susie cause she's got boobs and puts out." Come on ladies admit it to yourselves the majority of us are just not wired that way and we don't have to behave like tramps and guys male sluttery is the most unattractive thing ever too. I always hear about guys saying that they don't want to imagine their girls had all kinds of dick in them, well shit I don't want my guy to have had their dick in all kinds of cheesy holes! That's right I said IT!

At least I'm into me...

So I went and saw the movie He's just not that into and then I got the book and I think they both should be retitled to "He's just a fucking asshole, P.S. Get over it." Which is cool because that has been my guy mantra since my last XY chromosome experience went all to hell. Now the movie was cute, I was actually surprised I liked it, I was verrry apprehensive about watching it fearing I would leave the theater depressed or in tears but no I was good. Midway through I was wondering since I have been through nearly all those experiences do I win a fucking prize at the end. Nope, not even a bag of popcorn. Never the less it was worth my $12.50. I don't think I learned anything new though cause I once had my sage-esque best friend explain this shit to me.

So now I am reading the book and I am happy to report that most of these excuses that girls come up with I haven't done since my early college years so I'm good. I am now wondering if anyone has actually used the advice with some success and furthermore, why do women fucking do this excuses thing. It's beyond me. Not that I have never done it. Whatever. This is why I am over it... the whole scene... fuck it

the best thing I've seen all day!

wow

No more pep talks

When you step into this light
Your body's not your own
When you step into this light you aren't speaking your own words
Your not even in your own shoes
On this platform they point and pick without repercussion
They try to bend back your smile and keep you as their focus until they are done chewing to the bone
And you have to grin and bear to keep your very soul
I have never been one to be judged easily
To be told what I can and cannot do
My phase into masochism passed
When I gain respect for myself
I no longer understand why I continue to subject myself to tiny little suicides; punishing me for every wrong step
Paper-cut digs
When all I want to do now is to live

Different from the former

It's funny and so typical of me to have such a set plan for a direction to go on and

when I least expect it everything shatters.

I am not quite a chicken with no head yet but I still kind of have no idea what I am doing.

Trying to play things by ear is never something that I was good with.

I am a little scared to be without my safety net. It's nothing I planned for but right now it feels right.

Exciting and new and now I am not sure I want to let it go.

Not sure I want to fall,

yet

I deep down know inevitably always land on my feet

Live to win..

Back in the day in SD there used to be a kick ass rock station that I listened to. Every morning it would be Black Sabbath, Guns and Roses, old Metallica, Tool, old Korn, Deftones, Nine inch nails and such. I loved listening to the station so much, the only CD's I ever bought were my grunge (the grunge/punk station was slowly being taken over by the stupid no/so cal "rock" movement of the mid 90's; Blink is POP asshole Cantori! you old fucker) and moody fiona apple cd's. Shoot forward to now, the station got sold out and went pussy so I'm realizing I have to buy all those albums, I always figured I'd have the radio, I finally got a Motorhead CD in the mail, I had forgotten how much this shit runs through my veins. Listening to these bands again after all these years it's like drinking apple cider by a fire back home. These "turn that shit down" albums take me back and make me feel complete again. It's strange when you neglect a part of your life for so long and then you say what the hell I'll go back, you realize just how much you missed it....End of Story.

Lips, Hips, Thighs and Tits

I finally finished the movie Waitress. I loved it. In the aftermath of watching it after being so inspired by Adrienne Shelly and her work, I realized just how sexist this business if not this society still is. How women are still only supposed to remain pretty or smart but never both, how we hat to objectify our bodies and are taught self-loathing at such a young age. I remember putting myself on a "diet" at age 7. Not because I was fat (I had pencil thin legs) but because my Girl Talk book talked about diets and I had equated it with femininity, like a girl at a tea party, "I'm watching my figure". As I get older nothing seems to change. I don't want to look in the mirror and loathe what I see.

Maybe we do need a little uprising. Maybe we do need more Adrienne Shelly's and Diablo Cody's women who are being recognized in this male driven field as storytellers. Women of action. For Christ sake look at Woody Allen, weirdest looking motherfucker, puts himself in all his films, which in some cases are 75% bullshit and everyone raves (or did). Shelly writes Waitress and people call it trite or Cody writes Juno and people say she must have stolen the idea. The only time female storytellers are praised in film is when they write the book it was adapted from, Annie Proulx for example.

I'm tired of living in this society with this gross understatement of a woman that I have to live up to if I want to "make something of myself". Yes, girls can get a degree but we still can never have dessert everyday cause it's supposed to be a treat, a privilege -Thank you shape Magazine 08. Have you ever been in the same room with a man and a cake? It's a fucking right as in give me the cake right now. I'm over it. I am the original model of a latin woman all lips, hips, thighs and tits all on a 5'3" frame. Interesting enough, you stick this equation on a white girl ahem, Scarlett Johansson, and she's regaled as this beautiful au-natural 1950's pinup esque sex-pot all new wave, and when it's a latin girl she's Ugly Betty or African she's turned down in Dreamgirls for Beyonce. We need to bring strength back into the female film form. I am so over watching these wilting sallow faced lilies. It's so boring to watch a skeleton try to act. I'm sorry but I never in my life aspire to be able to see my hipbones jut out and have my ribcage protrude through my shirt and I still am beautiful.

The American FUCK UP, the play

I ended up going to see The American Plan on Broadway by myself today. Before I came to NY the theater I worked at did this play and It was final show I worked on. I went down and didn't think to print out my Playbill page thinking I could just give them the code...Wrong so I thought well this is my favorite play and was so excited so I ended up waiting in the fucking 28 degree 12 degree wind chill at the TKTS line all for the love of this particular Greenberg play $60 and 30 mins later I hit a wall of disappointment. Time out assured me that this was a good show 4 out of 6 stars, not bad. I was Mez. Center preparing to have all kinds of views on my favorite piece, oh boy, I should have seen the lion king.

The play was awful. I almost considered walking out, I was so depressed after the first 4 lines. Lily Rabe butchered that role. I was even more depressed knowing that Kate Arrington (the actress who had played the role when I had worked it) was her understudy, meaning that she must have lost out to this girl. I am convinced that this actress got the role because of her pedigree, she's so & so's kid. I found her Lily Adler a flat mixture of Gena Rowlands Woman Under the Influence, Garbo's Camille, all while doing this strange half assed Katherine Hepburn voice. I loved our version needless to say, more. I tried people, I really tried to think objectively and have an open mind but I couldn't love her Lily Adler and the guy who played Nick, whoa man was he bad too, Ay yi yi I'm not even sure he was even in the theater this afternoon. Let me put it this way the entire first scene with them was "Bullshit, Bullshit, Bullshit---MY LINE" They didn't fall in love like I wanted them to, then, hell they don't seem to be flirting, midway I was like shit look at her tits! give me something it was so awkward.

I want my money back. I believe this script calls for the audience to love Lily and her tragic ophelia like madness, oppressed by her mother who is intricately webbing schemes for what she thinks is best for her daughter, to keep her to herself and "Safe from harm" forever. You want Lily to fall in love, you want to believe she's found her prince the way her mother claims she wants for her. Then the play gets interesting when it all comes crashing down. Mercedes Ruehl was amazing as Eva and discovered things that the previous actress I had seen hadn't, but without Lily being fully developed I could give a shit whether or not her mother hurt her at all, which you couldn't tell either way with that overly erratic detached behavior. There was absolutely no daughter mother connection. This Lily wasn't even convincing enough to be an inpatient in Girl, Interrupted. Look ma I'm crazy I talk really fast, then I scream for no reason in a faux accent, hell it works for Amy Winehouse.

Maybe I am tarnished by the original production I saw but watching this girl go from Zero to Screaming in one second for no reason I can see was infuriating, hell even if my best friend were to do that I'd leave the room. It's one of those shows where the supportive cast (even Gil who shows up after intermission) was stellar but that doesn't make the show. Who gives a fuck if Tybalt and Benvolio are awesome if Romeo and Juliet blow. I love this script, I know it backwards and to hear some of the clever sentences and poetic words just run over as if the kids had to get the show over so they could have a beer after was so so sad. Very good we can tell you have it memorized by now because your giving me a speed through. Broadway give me something, damn it, if I can see regional theater that's better and cheaper, damn.

Save me from Myself

All these years thinking to myself I don't have OCD Nah, not me, then today in the shower (after taking a shot of Brandy to calm my ass down)I realized I'm a compulsive worrier. I worry about every damn thing and if there is nothing to fret about I'll make shit up in my head. It's insane, there's this great wanda sykes stand up (I was trying to find it on Youtube to show you all) where she talks about women thinking to much and the thoughts running through her head before she sleeps and then she's like what time is it? I need to go to sleep. That's how I am. I wonder if there is like a Worriers anonymous out there or something or if I should just get relax tattooed in reverse on my chest like Guy Pierces tattoos in Memento. Mile a minute mind damn, and people tell me to write it down, well hell why didn't I think of that.

I'm tired and I wanna go to bed

New York, New York, God Damn New York... I am torn every five minutes between wanting to make this last and wanting to get the hell out of here as soon as humanly possible. For starters it's too fucking cold out and all I end up doing is staying in and second I am convinced that absolutely no one has a job, even the people that you see in the stores and stuff, like it's all just an elaborate ruse; come on Berry work your magic. It fucking sucks being in this city with no job or prospects of a gig that will actually pay. It's not for lack of trying but this is some bullshit. I can sit on my ass and not work back in SD too and I wouldn't have to go shopping in 12 degree weather. Everyone says that a BA will let you go far, not in a recession/depression my friends. I just saw a headline walking home that said that jobs were expected to plummet tomorrow, I sure as shit am not going to hang around here and be poor. New York has got a meter running and It's almost done for me right now. I know that this is supposed to be a big time for actors out here with the impending strike in LA but people fail to see that the jobs out here are fruitful for UNION actors, non union still is non paying so I'm still screwed. I need some sort of hope in the form of a job would be nice cause I'm starting to loose my damn mind.

Random though before bed

Why do we as a society obsess about the talents of the talented who have died young? Reminding ourselves of what could have been but never will be. Are we that afraid of being satisfied with the here and now by only acknowledging what was?

And this one time in Henry the V....

I'm not an actors actor. I began to realize this recently. The other day I was at a restaurant with a friend and as we were leaving I heard the couple in the next booth talking about festivals ie. "Yes I auditioned for ___, and then when I was 25 I was in the longest run of____, I was the best Juliet ever." As I go through this crazy business I have noticed that more and more people are having this way of speaking ingrained in them. There's this great line in the movie/play Goodbye girl: Ask an actor a question he gives you his credits. Oh my God, am I finding this to be true. And I am terrible at it, I really don't want to work on the art of subtle name dropping and muckity-muck pretentious conversation. I mean I do what I do and I love it but the truth is I find discussing it to the point of nausea is boring for me and the listener. Point blank, I would rather tell you about my dog shitting on the kitchen floor then about a role that I auditioned for back in '01.

Change huh?

And so change is supposed to be coming tomorrow but I still here about ultra conservatives taking there beliefs into their own hands and violating people CASE IN POINT. What is wrong with people? Everyone stood by last year and allowed racist remarks "slip past" on television and as fighting dirty campaign tactics when they had nothing left and now women have to be afraid of going to the Ob/Gyn because they won't "believe" in my choice of birth control and violate me? Fuck that!

New York, New York

I just got back to New York this week and there's snow everywhere and it's friggin' cold. I've decided that I'm going to move back to CA. I am auditioning for a school there in a few days and I've decided that it's time to try LA. It's another big move but it gets harder than I thought to be away from my loved ones. I've been prepping my audition for this school for a few months. A few years ago a friend of mine went to see them and he said that outside the space there were people crying and freaking out. That's the only thing that scares me, I really don't want to be in that tension. I'm as ready as I'll ever be but hell I don't want to watch others wig out in front of my very eyes.

New Year, Real World addict.

HAPPY NEW YEAR Y'ALL!
Well it took them like 20 years but Real World has finally cast a Transgender roommate named Kaitlin and I love her. I've been watching that show since I was in Junior high (excluding last year, which sucked, you should never let bored teenagers cast anything) and I am stoked to see her there. There have been so many LGB people on that show, Pablo, Danny, Genesis were some of my favorites and I am so excited to see her on there, I love that younger generations will watch her experience Brooklyn and the way others will see her. I can see her totally helping the views of our youth for the better like the other roommates before her.
Much Love