At least I'm into me...

So I went and saw the movie He's just not that into and then I got the book and I think they both should be retitled to "He's just a fucking asshole, P.S. Get over it." Which is cool because that has been my guy mantra since my last XY chromosome experience went all to hell. Now the movie was cute, I was actually surprised I liked it, I was verrry apprehensive about watching it fearing I would leave the theater depressed or in tears but no I was good. Midway through I was wondering since I have been through nearly all those experiences do I win a fucking prize at the end. Nope, not even a bag of popcorn. Never the less it was worth my $12.50. I don't think I learned anything new though cause I once had my sage-esque best friend explain this shit to me.

So now I am reading the book and I am happy to report that most of these excuses that girls come up with I haven't done since my early college years so I'm good. I am now wondering if anyone has actually used the advice with some success and furthermore, why do women fucking do this excuses thing. It's beyond me. Not that I have never done it. Whatever. This is why I am over it... the whole scene... fuck it

the best thing I've seen all day!

wow

No more pep talks

When you step into this light
Your body's not your own
When you step into this light you aren't speaking your own words
Your not even in your own shoes
On this platform they point and pick without repercussion
They try to bend back your smile and keep you as their focus until they are done chewing to the bone
And you have to grin and bear to keep your very soul
I have never been one to be judged easily
To be told what I can and cannot do
My phase into masochism passed
When I gain respect for myself
I no longer understand why I continue to subject myself to tiny little suicides; punishing me for every wrong step
Paper-cut digs
When all I want to do now is to live

Different from the former

It's funny and so typical of me to have such a set plan for a direction to go on and

when I least expect it everything shatters.

I am not quite a chicken with no head yet but I still kind of have no idea what I am doing.

Trying to play things by ear is never something that I was good with.

I am a little scared to be without my safety net. It's nothing I planned for but right now it feels right.

Exciting and new and now I am not sure I want to let it go.

Not sure I want to fall,

yet

I deep down know inevitably always land on my feet

Live to win..

Back in the day in SD there used to be a kick ass rock station that I listened to. Every morning it would be Black Sabbath, Guns and Roses, old Metallica, Tool, old Korn, Deftones, Nine inch nails and such. I loved listening to the station so much, the only CD's I ever bought were my grunge (the grunge/punk station was slowly being taken over by the stupid no/so cal "rock" movement of the mid 90's; Blink is POP asshole Cantori! you old fucker) and moody fiona apple cd's. Shoot forward to now, the station got sold out and went pussy so I'm realizing I have to buy all those albums, I always figured I'd have the radio, I finally got a Motorhead CD in the mail, I had forgotten how much this shit runs through my veins. Listening to these bands again after all these years it's like drinking apple cider by a fire back home. These "turn that shit down" albums take me back and make me feel complete again. It's strange when you neglect a part of your life for so long and then you say what the hell I'll go back, you realize just how much you missed it....End of Story.

Lips, Hips, Thighs and Tits

I finally finished the movie Waitress. I loved it. In the aftermath of watching it after being so inspired by Adrienne Shelly and her work, I realized just how sexist this business if not this society still is. How women are still only supposed to remain pretty or smart but never both, how we hat to objectify our bodies and are taught self-loathing at such a young age. I remember putting myself on a "diet" at age 7. Not because I was fat (I had pencil thin legs) but because my Girl Talk book talked about diets and I had equated it with femininity, like a girl at a tea party, "I'm watching my figure". As I get older nothing seems to change. I don't want to look in the mirror and loathe what I see.

Maybe we do need a little uprising. Maybe we do need more Adrienne Shelly's and Diablo Cody's women who are being recognized in this male driven field as storytellers. Women of action. For Christ sake look at Woody Allen, weirdest looking motherfucker, puts himself in all his films, which in some cases are 75% bullshit and everyone raves (or did). Shelly writes Waitress and people call it trite or Cody writes Juno and people say she must have stolen the idea. The only time female storytellers are praised in film is when they write the book it was adapted from, Annie Proulx for example.

I'm tired of living in this society with this gross understatement of a woman that I have to live up to if I want to "make something of myself". Yes, girls can get a degree but we still can never have dessert everyday cause it's supposed to be a treat, a privilege -Thank you shape Magazine 08. Have you ever been in the same room with a man and a cake? It's a fucking right as in give me the cake right now. I'm over it. I am the original model of a latin woman all lips, hips, thighs and tits all on a 5'3" frame. Interesting enough, you stick this equation on a white girl ahem, Scarlett Johansson, and she's regaled as this beautiful au-natural 1950's pinup esque sex-pot all new wave, and when it's a latin girl she's Ugly Betty or African she's turned down in Dreamgirls for Beyonce. We need to bring strength back into the female film form. I am so over watching these wilting sallow faced lilies. It's so boring to watch a skeleton try to act. I'm sorry but I never in my life aspire to be able to see my hipbones jut out and have my ribcage protrude through my shirt and I still am beautiful.