On ending

Please join me in a moment of silence as I mourn the end of a lost era...a time that I fought with and fought through, so far from what I wanted...How much will I miss the constant neediness? How much will I miss the foot stomping and the pantyhose of a 26 year old never being right? Others find me brave, while they don't know I am terrified of falling even while I close my eyes and jump off every cliff...No hang glider above me...No net to catch me as I fly along...I always remember things easier that they were when I look through the rearview mirror...See, it's the happiest moments I choose to reflect on when each end of an era draws near.

If you're flawless, then you'll win my love.

I'm a perfectionist. A total Pitta all the way. I've got this constant inner need to fix things that are broken, even if they are wayyyyy broken. I will be the one that will beat the dead horse both figuratively and literally (or at least try to shake it and wake it up.) It's just how I remember learning to be. "Never give up, never say die, you're a constant warrior on the battlefield." Some times people think I am a Taurus.

I'm finding that this nature, while keeping me on my toes, is causing me more harm than good. I'm starting to feel more and more like I used to when I was a kid. Like a bird in a cage picking out all her feathers. Only this time it's not my parents constantly telling me to look out for all the dangers out there. It is so engrained in me that I can do it myself without even thinking about it. I want things to be perfect because I'm terrified of being hurt and of people hurting me.

It doesn't surprise me that I have had relationships and even in my job, demanding of me more and more because something just isn't enough. Some people enjoy this but I end up walking away from it defeated because I feel like I wasn't ______ enough. These cycles get worse with traumas in my life.

Constantly demanding perfecting is essentially telling yourself that things are in a constant state of imperfection and will never be wonderful because something is always wrong.

Deepak Chopra says that attachment is fear. Like a bird clinging to a wall because it doesn't trust himself to fly.

To me one of the most romantic movie lines ever is from Bridget Jones. Colin Firth tells her, "I like you just the way you are." *hmmm, maybe someday, maybe today :)

peace