Comic Time

I'm feelin' creative today, I love that New York provides that feeling for me and it is such a nurturing experience.

Let the Angel give you rose petals but don't eat the mushrooms!

Dean and Deluca want you to eat these:

Ay Yi Yi! I love the "never eat raw" warning
Who ever sends me a recipe for these I'll make it and send some to you ;)

The coolest thing I saw today was in the 42nd station, there was a woman all dressed in white with her face painted white he outfit was sort of like a white virgin Mary costume and she had on white wings. She was standing on a box surrounded with some roses in the prayer position and when someone put money in her cap she came to life would beckon you forward take out a white sack she pulled out from god knows where and you give her your hand and she would place a dark pink rose petal in your hand smile and go back to the prayer position. I know she probably means it to be saintly but I found it awesomely creepy.

RIP little restaurant chain that could

The restaurant Bennigan's is shutting down all over the country. Apparently the Theatre Student body of SDSU could not manage to sustain the restaurant in this time of depression or recession or whatever you want to call it. It's a little sad for me. I've been to many a cast party (even a few sorority get togethers) at the San Diego Mission Valley Location and had many a drunken romp which started there and ended somewhere else. I actually liked the food and drink, I think every guy I've ever dated in college ended up there with me at some point *sigh* oh well, here's to the memories...

Just a Happy Day!!

Rehearsal went well today. I'm still in a slump, not feeling so great, so sorry if these blogs are a little lack luster. I discovered the Green Flea Market yesterday which was awesome, I love thrift stores and garage sales, especially when I have patience for them. I had two amazing auditions too, one I know I won't get because I the rehearsals fall on the days when I perform. But it was cool to say "I have conflicts because I am currently in a show."



He looks like I feel :)

NYC pain in the ass guys STEP OFF!!

Ok, so I've done some extensive research and 30th ST. & Broadway is the worst place to walk if you are a female that isn't a leper. I love this city, it's been very good to me so far but the only thing that I can't stand are the the Man-pigs of this city. You know the ones that holler at you in the street and get all up in your face. I now think that this is why there is a stigma that NYC women are tough cookies when it comes to men. You have to fight them off with a stick or at least be brave enough to tell them to fuck off because the ghetto street dudes get all up in your business, even follow you, why? cause they got a dick and nothing better to do with their day! I want to know where this cultural aspect of men here comes from, why do they think that being downright rude and yelling at women like cattle is gonna get them anywhere. When did men learn that it is O.K to disrespect and degrade women? It can't all be the rappers fault? Maybe I'll blame it on the lazy Daddy's. Do they expect it will work? It's like unbelievable cave man shit, they should be riding dinosaurs.

Top 5 things NYC Men do that piss me off:

1. Don't respect my fucking personal space- If there's an open seat on the subway in between me and a man and another man gets on the train and decided he wants to occupy that space why does he insist on squeezing himself so close to me as to not touch the guy, even if he is skinny. It's fucking amazing it's like I was sitting here first dude get the hell off my lap! I'm not Santa Claus! So many homophobes exists in this world it's so ridiculous. It's like he thinks if one hair on his arm touches the dude next to him it's just too uncomfortable. And then they sit with their legs open GET OUT OF MY BUBBLE, I DON'T WANT YOU TO TOUCH MY ASS EITHER! I swear this happened to me twice today, the last time I almost lost my shit because the dude stunk like cheap cologne.

2. Make Orgasm noises as I walk by then ask me for my number- Umm... That doesn't work, I don't know where to begin you're gonna spend a long time standing in the street if you are looking for Ms. Right with that approach.

3. Walk directly toward me (no matter which way I try to dodge) like I know them and ask me "What's going on Boo can I get your number"- NO but you are gonna get a kick in the Balls if you come any closer.

4. Ask me if we can go out sometime while sitting on a fire hydrant- One time I replied "Where's 27th st.?" he looked stunned told me where it was and then as I walk away he goes "Come back here anytime, I sit right here"

5. Come up to me like a boyfriend and try to whisper in my ear "Hey baby I got bags for $10" - I don't want bags.

MOTHER PUGGER!!

If you know me, you know that I have a major obsession with pugs. I am the Mother of 2 pugs named Penny and Lulu back home in San Diego (My apartment here doesn't let me have dogs). I miss them so much. I've lived with a dog my entire life. There has always been dogs in the houses I've lived in so not having them with me makes me sad. As such I am way obsessive now about pugs and collect images and other crap. They simply are the best dogs ever, they have amazing little spirits and you can never have a bad day when you see that ugly little mashy face staring at you, you just have to laugh (especially when they get their upper lip crammed in their teeth!)

I just found this video that I love:

*if you can't see it cause of googles stupidity go here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_lBQWUR3u7U

It's by Natalie Dee's Husband!

Umm... So Nora Jones=Dixie Fried?

I actually got out of the house yesterday. I went and saw a band play who were friends of a friend. It was pretty sweet, apparently Nora Jones was playing after them under a different name. We didn't stay for her cause the place got ridiculous-fire-hazard-crowded but she's still little, pretty and brunette with a haircut, just to let you know. I'm still feeling run down and just exhausted, and out of it, rehearsal this morning was a bitch. We rehearsed in the outdoor space and it went from comfortable to hell when the stroke hit 11. It was pretty amusing to watch the blocking go further and further upstage as the sun moved overhead.

Two fairly big auditions tomorrow. I'm pretty excited about that. One film, one Theatre, and I get to read from sides. I hope I don't look too run over tomorrow.

Just like candy

I saw a terrific movie today called "Caramel," It's a Lebanese film co-written and directed by the films star. It's about women in a beauty shop and each of their lives. It's not at all like the American versions of beauty shop films. While it is funny at some parts it takes a sincere look at women's issues and while they seemed cultural, which was the intent, you begin to realize that it is universal. If you are looking for something refreshing and new you should check out this film, you know once you get tired of watching sequels and prequels and bad classic remakes and schlock. 

Why is it now that the best and most original film material seems to come from overseas? It's kinda sad because there are so many film students out there, especially here in NYC, their are so many schools (that are usually expensive) with new writers and directors and filmmakers, I know, I fucking audition for them on a regular basis. Many of the new scripts I read are very promising with some tooling around, granted you do get the occasional Buffy the Vampire Slayer borrowed- ahem, excuse me inspired scripts but come on! What is happening? Why are these promising artists not being shown! 

Maybe if we didn't have to go see "My Fair Lady" 2009 with whatever fucking starlette they use or "The X-Files part:8 - Yup, it's still out there/ Mulder-and-Sculley-are-broke-so-we-have-t-think-up-something." American cinema has become boring and churned out and played out. I'm not even that big of a fan of books turned movies anymore, the books are always better. I always hear the excuse "well we want to see what so and so's take would be on it, you know like bring it into modern times." I'm sorry but if you want to see somebody else's version of how a previously written story should or could be told go watch a fucking play and give the million dollar backing to a great young filmmaker who has something original to say, that way both mediums won't die. Just an idea.

My Blood Runs Slow

I'm not feeling so well today. It all of a sudden just hit me this morning, this wave of lethargy and dizziness. I have low blood pressure, I've had it for a while. It's kind of scary how I feel as though I have to watch it now, by myself, considering that whenever I go to the doctor's and the nurse takes my blood pressure, she always says, "umm.. do you normally have really low blood pressure?" now I just answer "I guess, should I be taking care of it?" I always get the no not really answer which is frustrating. It's like why fucking bring it up, if it doesn't really matter? Just to get my hypochondria flowing. 

The low blood pressure thing reared it ugly head shortly around the worst time of my eating disorder, when I was a senior in high school. I hate sometimes admitting that I have an eating disorder, not because I am ashamed but because it seems like some sort of sick fad in the media these days. Like every young girls right of passage these days and that just fucking wrong. I know it's about control and all that but I can remember being teased viciously about my weight as a young girl (I tipped the scales as a whopping 150 lbs at 5'3", kids can be assholes) and on top of that I wanted to be an actress but there were no real looking women or teenagers on T.V for that matter, let alone Latinos (the only Latino I can remember seeing on T.V. as a kid was Desi Arnaz, until John Leguizamo came along). I got so bad that once coming out of the shower I knocked my funny bone and just passed out, I hadn't eaten all day. Since then I have had these fainting spells which the Doctor's can only attribute to lack of eating mixed with blood pressure.

It's scary trying to push your body to be as small as it can go. As I get older the less sense it makes to me. Whenever I see myself, especially now in this blossoming career I have in film, I can feel the ugly self loathing monster in the back of my mind creep up when I have to watch my work on screen. Now It's been a long time since I have really sat down and worried about my weight and actively starved myself. It's taken me a lot of work on myself to get to where my self esteem is today.I don't worry about men finding me attractive or feeling attractive myself outside of this new medium that I work in.

 But with this new career I am trying I can't help but wonder about what I look like physically as compared to other women, and thats just wrong to feel that way. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that there are no women that I would consider my type. You've either got the leggy Latin beauties that are so thin and long your like "Where the hell are you from ese?" or you've got the tiny little pretty-ugly-beautiful America Ferrera or Sara Ramirez (I mention them by name because they are the type, there are only one of each). My worst fear is going into a casting office and having someone go "no thanks hun, we already got America." I look nothing like her by the way, not at all, and I think the reason why most people say that is because she is the only example of my "Type" (you know short, curvy latina, ahem... normal) in the public eye. I fucking way older than her anyway.

The best support that I have in my life now are my friends and family, they are always the ones who tell me that I am beautiful when I am feeling low about my looks, especially after losing out to a role or a potential relapse. I miss them, It is hard being out here and not seeing them as often as I would like. I want to stay strong for them. I want to "make it" whatever "it is" for them and myself. I feel truly blessed to have such a supportive team on my side, that's really all I could ask for.

Remembering...

I was sitting on my bed this morning going over my script when I realized I was going stir crazy. I busted out my NYC Foders guide and starting looking for something free to do. I ended up going to a section dedicated to the World Trade Center. Now I had been down to the site the last/first time I was in NYC but the book listed moment by moment what happened on that day. I found a picture in the book of people in Washington Square park watching the towers burn. I have been to Washington Square park frequently and that seems so crazy to me that you could see them all the way from there so vividly. I've met a few people here who have told me where they were when it all happened and shared their personal stories with me about their experiences being in NY on that day. I can't imagine anything more frightening and unreal. 

I decided to go down to the site and see it again. It always takes my breath away at how huge the site is and how big the towers must be. It's frightening and somber to see all the buildings around it being reconstructed and thinking "Jesus this is where it began, This is where it happened." I remember my first visit their my friend asking me "Can you imagine standing on this side walk that day," to which I replied "If we were standing here that day we'd be running or dead."

I ended up going into the Church and spending a bit in the graveyard there. It's so old, 1700's I believe. The headstones are elaborate and some of them are worn. It's amazing just how close the church is to the site and how it survived without damage. I think I have heard that it provided refuge to victims fleeing the site. 

Revisiting the site again also got me to thinking about Mariane Pearl and her husband  Daniel Pearl two people which I idolize and respect very much. For those of you who haven't read A Mighty Heart yet you must, (The movie with Angelina Jolie is wonderful too.) I first heard about Mariane when I saw the movie A Mighty Heart. I was left with such a mixed feeling in my heart, of love for this woman who overcame the most terrible aspect of this war, while pregnant and hatred for this war and the smarmy, cowardly President and companies who run it. Every time I watch the movie or read about Mariane I am always struck by her strength and will. Her story touches me in so many ways that evolve.

I came home and saw the movie again. Something struck me different this time. Now it's the way our popular culture seems to see middle eastern people. How we are "supposed" to be struck with fear by the sight of someone who even looks remotely middle eastern and god-forbid wears a turban. I see it almost like those old Sambo cartoons in the south or those terrible cartoons that were of Jewish people during WWII, when is this world ever gonna learn? This fear brought on by ignorance and misunderstanding that is something that the Pearl's fought so hard against by trying to bring understanding. 

I don't know what makes aspects of our culture "popular" and brings it to the forefront, but my best guess would be corporations. I refuse to go down like that, I think what more people in this country need to do is define their own lives not just because the T.V or Magazines tell how. We need to think about what we would find beautiful and intelligent and who we idolize. There are better things and people in this world that we should pay attention too. Tell me what Maya Angelou is up to these days, has Mariane Pearl written anything, Is there a young composer I should listen to, which do you find more beautiful the blue of the sky or the blue of the sea? WE need to make up our own minds and not have them made for us. It's just a thought.

Cookie for me Cookie for you

These were supposed to be Pinwheel cookies, I used a recipe from 1976. Betty must have been diabetic or a heavy smoker cause the cookies taste like biscuits. 

 

Few things relax me more than cooking and baking. I know it's all anti feminist of me but I love it. My Dad would say that my talent for it comes from my great grandmother. I wish I had the guts to actually try being a sous-chef or something. One of my big things is collecting vintage recipe books. I haven't been able to find one of those Betty Crocker '70's recipe card boxes, I would totally horde that. There a website I found once dedicated to those old cards, that bitch probably bought them all. They're pretty funny.

Making Chocolate Pinwheel biscuits help me memorize lines...

I speak de Englitch, yo!

Latina, Latin Actress, Mexican girl, Ethnic, Fat, Curvy, Dark, Coconut, all these labels I'm gonna hear will eventually come if they haven't already. It's not like I haven't heard them before now. There's something that has always bothered me about having a stamp on my forehead. Especially with the labels that I have heard in my life half the time it's because I've never felt that I was really any of those. I don't know how to be any of those so I don't get it when I hear, "oh it's cause your latin," or "your too Ethnic looking." I've been pretty lucky out here that these labels haven't come into play much in auditions. 

I can only think of twice when they did, once when I went in for a Puerto Rican role (which was written in a basic white writer tries Latino style) and the casting director asked what I was and I said Mexican-American, he looked all disappointed and said "oh, not Mexican," I was so pissed It's like what the fuck are you talking about don't down play me because I didn't grow up on a rancho or something, this day and age when you are even remotely "ethnic"-American your american experience is different from that of an immigrant, but under no circumstances should it be any less than anyone else's experience: Look at Barack Obama. The second time, I went in for a reading and the side I was given was not the one that was neutral race, it was obviously written for a Jamie Pressely My Name is Earl redneck character, and I asked the director when I went in if they were considering race because clearly it was not written that way. They gave me the standard no of course not answer and I killed the shit out of that reading but I knew that I wouldn't get the role. I was glad however that I spoke up don't waste my fucking time like that.

I don't know about other Actors of Color out there or even people but I find it strange when people see me as an "exotic flower" like the assholes that speak really bad spanish to me when they think their being cute. I kinda don't know how to handle it, don't get me wrong I love being of Mexican decent, I love Mexico and I would never change my last name but when there are soooo many people of different shades and accents and types why am I an original curiosity? It's like "Have you never ventured out of your house before?" Seriously sometimes I get treated like I'm purple-polka dotted. 

Growing up [Insert ethnicity here]-American is such a unique (good or bad) experience here. The best book I have read on it is Barack Obama's. It's weird how you would be born in this county but still live in a totally different world that others won't understand. I don't fault them it's just a fact. I wonder what my children's generation will be like I hope through the experiences that this country goes through in the coming years they won't have live this apart but separate American-Cultural lifestyle that is so much apart from who I am. I do hope some day my future daughter will laugh and say "Why are you an exotic cause of your skin your weird enough as a person."

I'm Melting as we Speak

Maybe I should consider no longer being a sinner cause New York City is so hot right now it has to be what hell feels like. Or at least I could be on some french beach right now, I've already got my glass of $5 french wine (with a ice cube in it cause it's that hot-Fancy) and Vanessa Paradis playing in the background, stinking of L'occitane lotion, I'm all set.

No joke it has been 90 degrees or higher EVERYDAY this week. I thank whatever spiritual being that granted me the opportunity to lose that shopping job. My god I hope that poor girl that came after me has some strong ass resilience to the heat or that she's a fucking camel or something. Hmmm... A camel could probably do that job pretty well come to think of it. I still am in awe when I see people on the street actually smoking, Jesus those are some die hards. 

I've been missing alot of friends from my past recently. I've been looking back and saying to myself, I wonder what happened to him or her and would they still remember who I was? I wonder if that's a normal process in a big change in your life, you get all nostalgic. Speaking of lost, I got a call from one of my Best Friends David (Whom I miss so much :) ) and he told me that the theatre that I worked at in San Diego was finally torn down. When I got the message I suddenly got so sad. 

I've always been sappily sentimental, and It was just so strange to know that when I do visit SD that building will no longer be there. Even when they build a new theatre, it won't be the same. It's so crazy, all the memories that theatre held, the fighting, trysts, hopes, ideas, drama, disappointments, laughter, pranks, happiness that that building harbored for me is no more. What is it about westerners, I guess that tear down their past so frequently. Maybe that's why I so determined never to forget my past experiences and just build on them, instead of acting like they never happened. Believe me that is harder than it seems. 

As for my career right now, I am trying like a manic to try to balance the offers, auditions, and parts. I'm so proud and blessed to be getting all this attention. I just feel like hell when I have to turn something down, but I guess that kinda is the goal to turn things down rather than not be offered anything right?

People say I'm crazy doing what I'm doing

Today my plan was to go around NYC looking for the Folger edition of Merry Wives. After a futile attempt at the Drama Bookstore I decided to go to Columbus Circle. On the subway ride I was listening to John Lennon on my Ipod. I love Watching The Wheels and was playing that on a loop. I started thinking about the Dakota and Strawberry fields and how I can remember my father in the garage working out and me listening to the John Lennon songs he played on the radio. By pure accident or serendipity I transfered to the express train that went way past Columbus Circle to 73rd. O.K I guess I'm going to Strawberry Fields.

 I ended up going to the Dakota every time I see that building it seems to cold and haunting. Damned almost,  I know your thinking well duh all the bad shit and horror movies that were shot there but it's not just that. Really, The building itself is so looming and all the windows are shut up with wooden shutters and the firelamps and gargoyles are just so imposing. It's creepier than anything else I've seen and the vibes that come off it are just so cold. 

Of course afterward I went across the street where Strawberry Fields is and I got there just in time to see the ol' hippie putting out the flowers on the Imagine mosaic. It's the only place in New York where the tourists are quiet and respectful. I love it there, mostly because you feel a sense of calm and peace that I always feel when I think of Lennon's Lyrics.

I ended up finding the version of the Play that I needed. I don't want to turn into one of those actors that I couldn't stand who bitches and complains that they only have a few lines. I know what it is like to watch actors play and do what you want to do and then to be insulted when they complain and are ungrateful for it. I am so thankful for this role, I have some ideas of what I want to do. The best part of the character is that not much is written about him, so I can turn him into whatever I want. I think it'll be a great experience and I am hopeful for the success of the show. I rehearse again tomorrow, I have to go and get off book now... Goodnight

The Chance Phone Call

I was going to write a blog about Barack Obama and thrift stores but I got a phone call. A director whom I auditioned for the first week I got here called me. I remember when he auditioned me he did so twice and said he'd call but never did. He called to say that he was casting Merry Wives Of Winsor and they needed another actor for the part of Nym and that if I could get down to the theatre within an hour I could read with the other actors.

I jumped on the first subway there and did my best to encapsulate what he told me he wanted out of the part, even though it has been years since I had read the play and had no idea what I was doing I read like my life depended on it.

And Ladies and gentlemen I got the part! I'm so happy! It's awesome I actually like the role and have somethings I want to do with it. The theatre is actually an Off-Broadway theatre and the director is fairly known. I'm really excited for it.

Like Jamie Lee Curtis but Hotter

One of my secret acting fantasies is to be a scream queen. I think it would be absolutely awesome to get all gored up and run around. I think it's very telling that the first real budgeted video I shot here was a demo on Myths where I was supposed to be saved from the lair of a Minotaur. When they told me that I was going to have blood and scratches I was so exited. I didn't even mind the sack dress. It was so much fun to run around and pretend to be afraid. It was like children's games. VH1 was holding a reality show audition here in NY for "Scream Queens" but no I am not going on some reality shloc show for some producer to manipulate my life. I prefer to audition.

I think there is something about dressing up that conjures up childhood memories, Halloween was always my favorite holiday. Too bad the only horror movies that are being made have girls that are way too skinny and not too smart and not taking the part seriously, or maybe they're just bad actresses (shocker!) I am a horror movie nut, I've seen an awful lot I hope another niche comes in for a good horror director and they quit remaking fucking Japanese ones which are only good in JAPANESE!! Eli Roth isn't bad, and so are the guys that do the Saw movies...

Two of my absolute favorite actress are Lucille Ball and Amy Sedaris. Two actresses who love(d) to put on tooth-black and fat suits and just get down and dirty. I love seeing Amy Sedaris in magazine spreads or on T.V in outrageous costumes and makeup. Who can forget Lucy getting slapped in the face with Chocolate or her numerous hobo acts on the show. Every time I read about Amy Sedaris someone always mentions that she thwarts her natural beauty by her acts, as a means to be taken seriously as a comic. I'm not sure if that is entirely true but I say more power to her. I could go on a big ol' feminist tirade about this subject but I won't I'll just say watch an episode of Strangers with Candy or I Love Lucy or even Carole Burnett and you'll see just how funny women can be.

There

I understand that this is a journey that I have to make myself. It's hard when you set out from your home to holding on to nothing more than a dream and a place to stay (maybe not even that much). I have to learn how to adapt and go through the motions and learn to stand on my own two feet. It's not easy not being reassured every step of the way. Even when my heart sinks because of not getting a callback that I really wanted or being panic stricken about not making the rent this month, I have to stay calm and with myself. I have had chances to turn back but my heart says to push on and continue. 

I can only let this mood and state be a passing shadow in my life, the sun always rises in the morning.  I hope that what I am doing here in this city is like dropping stones into water and the ripples go on and on. I would like that. Alot of times I try to think of my blossoming career as water dripping out of a dam and eventually the dam will break and flood. I have hope within myself and hope with my talents and I have to believe that deep down they will not go unrewarded.

Black Hole Sun

I don't know what's going on with me tonight. I think the lonely-hearts club bug swept me off my feet again. It's these weird phases that I go through, especially when I am alone for long period of time. This trip to NYC made me really discover what loneliness can feel like. Here I am totally alone, my family and loved ones are far, everyone is usually to busy with their own lives to notice. I don't blame anyone, it's just a fact, people worry about their own problems.

Maybe it's cause I've been single for too damn long. Too busy not being serous and looking for someone that's actually good for me. But it gets lonely in this big place in this big city. I defiantly don't want to move back to CA, I honestly don't miss it as a city. I still find it boring and pointless. I just miss the people that I love and being able to see them everyday. I suppose it's a natural process but it doesn't stop the painful-black-cloud of loneliness and depression. Especially with this rejection filled career. Sometimes I feel so damned forgotten about, even when I know it is just a passing phase.

Filling the Void

I've been reading "The Artists Way recently," apparently it is good for writers block and regaining of your general creativity and I've started to do what the book calls "fill the void/well" by watching old movies. I'm really lucky because the place I am living in has some of those must-see films that I've always meant to watch but never got the time. I started with Logan's Run (I totally have a '70's crush on Michael York, and Malcolm McDowell for that matter), then I watched A Woman Under the Influence where Gena Rowlands goes completely Bat-shit right before your eyes and Now I'm on Last Tango in Paris where Marlon Brando is just plain Bats. 

I have a painful weakness for Bertolucci films the one I've seen usually have some fantasy of mine in them. Although, I don't know how cool I would be locked up in a room having weekly trysts with that crazy MF. What said is that I know in my heart I already have had men like that, intoxicating and painful and interesting, too bad it's not as cool as saying "I did Brando." Is it true that Maria Schinder went crazy after that movie? I don't know where I heard that.

I decided to go into Manhattan for the Bastille festival, bought cute French Postcards, ate a crepe. I got that, that was basically all there was. 

Just another Saturday

I had a really good audition today. I'm so proud of myself. I thought I was going to totally fuck up but it turned out great. I got contacted about this audition today, but I'd have to fly to Buffalo at my own expense and there's no pay involve nor is it union. I feel terrible because I really want the part but I'm not going to pay for it. I hope things turn out o.k.

Most random thing that I heard in NYC today:

"Hey baby wanna buy Pornos?, I got Mariah Carey."

Name Dropping Condelezza does nothing for me

Last night I got this invitation to attend an orientation for an actor-to-direct festival. Which was strange but sounded o.k. I decided to go with an open mind cause after all I had submitted for the thing and it looked go on Backstage (with no mention of an orientation). My ears perk up but my wallet is closed if you know what I mean.

So I get there today and meet a lovely actress waiting out front with me and I ask if she thinks we'll be asked for money, "do people really do that?" was her response. Then an actor shows up and greets us cheerily and says "so how long do you think they'll last before they ask us for money." I notice before we go in all of the actors are 20 somethings I think shit, money. This is the way they sucker you. I have already been on one of these calls where the end result was "pay up".

We are all lead to a freezing icebox of a blackbox theatre where this old women is ignoring our presence and a younger women is handing out papers for us to fill out. They are open ended questions about my technique and I think "shit, no one told me there was going to be a written exam!" Then after about fifteen minutes the dead has arisen, The old woman lifts her head and proceeds to go through this tirade about technique and method and how we should better ourselves as actors. She basically spouted off everything that I read in the Michael Schrleff Audition Book. She even used my personal favorite "you should give your money to me line", "You guys put all your money into classes but it doesn't make you good", but of course if we give her my credit card numbers my technique would be perfected.

The audacity of this woman was never ending, she told us that it was "imperative we take notes." I was so fucking bored that I took Mystery Science Theater 3000-esque notes in my book answering on paper what I wished I could have screamed at her. I would like to share them with you now:

Then what the fuck am I doing here?

Condelezza is a Ho.

You Can't win me over by mentioning Condelezza.

 *she went on a tirade about smart successful people who have done a lot I think she mentioned Condelezza because the room was made up mostly of young african-american women and a few latinos, She might as well have said "Oprah", Don't mention the current office to young actors who are wearing Obama pins!

I didn't know I was coming to a lecture today

I still want to be on Broadway Bitch! ("Being on Broadway won't make you good")

It's about making money too.

Your also 80, you really want to listen to My Chemical Romance?

PBBBTH!

I feel your kinda nuts

Meisner is rolling in his grave...wait is he dead?

Oh, so I'm a rat now

I have cute feet

I like my eyes

I think you forgot where you are

Shut up Dude (There's always one)

a-dick-tion

What do you want lady?

I can, I love Shakespeare

You've been watching some bad Shakespeare

This lady orgasms to technique...Technique...TECHNIQUE

I'm not taking Meisner here, I'd rather go to the studio.

Breathe Deep

Away from here!?

So I'm supposed to go to the south now?

Cause their paid...HA

Then Pay me

You wanna get paid huh?

I've done 5 films in 3 months bitch

I hustle and work hard

Does that include cash?

Where's the Beef

Why do I feel like a seasoned professional in this room?

Here's the Cash

I'm broke bitch

I never got guidelines

I like sitting in the back

DON'T YELL!

like a cake

Thank you the Stella Adler Spouting harpee

Yes, Sense-say

I'm hungry

I worked with crazies

I read all this in the Audition book

Bottom line the lady wanted us to put together 20min pieces and submit them to her she would showcase the event but she wanted us to guarantee 15 sold tickets min. per show (2 to start off with) $20 and we are not paid or see any of our hard earned money. In turn we learn "technique". *sigh* It's really fucking sad when people use the who stars-in-their-eyes approach to cheat young actors out of money. I did "gorilla" theatre in college, some of my proudest work came of it, I'd do it again if it was a project with friends but I'm sorry other than that I'm done. I paid my dues and I deserve to be in a legitimate show. I don't need "reality acting training" lady fuck you I'd rather plug my money into the Strasberg studio than to you. 

What's even worse was all of the nodding heads agreeing with what she was saying. My take is lady, this is a business and an art form and you can't cheat your way out of the business side so lets talk business you want me to bring in a designated amount of seats to your theatre for no pay and presumably I am financially responsible for those unfilled seats. Tell me that straight up, don't give me a fucking lecture about how I can be a rich actress but still suck, shit all I need to do is check out Perez Hilton for that. Watch out my fellow actors whom I love don't get suckered into these things it's very easy believe me, I almost coughed up 150 clams that I didn't have on an episode not unlike this a month ago, just from some sweet no nonsense talk. 

Bottom line: If someone is going to help you in your career they are going to do it out of care or Karma never to further their own-selves or fill their pocketbooks. Trust me if it feels even remotely like a scam it is. You can gain "experience" for free! If anyone wants you to pay for their dreams it is better that you pay for your own..

Much love and Luck

She is an American Girl

I took a trip to the American Girl Store on 49th the other day. I'm still dying to own one of those. Seeing all of those dolls drew these feelings that I haven't felt since I was a little girl. As a child I used to play with dolls religiously. It was my absolute favorite thing to do sometimes with my best friend sometimes alone. I think that is where I dreamed up some of my stories. I remember thinking that by acting I would be a grown-up doll I guess. Putting on costumes and saying someone else's words. I would get to live a different life besides my own and see how other people behaved. 

In that store looking at those blank little faces behind the glass I remembered my Grandmother and how she kept some really cool dolls behind glass cases and when she would leave me alone in her house, I would sneak into her drawer and get the antique key and open the case, It was very "Indian in the cupboard." 

It's strange what time and trauma pushes back in your memory and how the slightest most obscure thing can rip it right back into focus again. As children we are taught to grow up. Often I remember wanting and wishing I was older, I wonder now if I had enough time just being a kid. I wonder if parents of young children sometimes have that moment of discovery through their children. Maybe that will be my new goal, to start seeing things more through the wide eyed optimistic mind that I had as a child and not the cynical, sarcastic, enlightened mind I have now as an adult. How could I possible be a Mother one day when I can't even be a kid? 

Hot, humid Shut In

Another hot, humid day in NYC. I took this picture as I walked home from the Subway this morning. I love how New York shows it's seasons through its plants. Spent my morning buying really expensive local produce at the Union Square market. It tastes better though, I swear, or I like to believe.

I read all of Jose Rivera's Cloud Tectonics on the Subway and was left in awe of what he does and how he uses words. I hated the Epilogue though. He should have just left the ending to his reader but that can be said of most epilogues. I remember a girl in College doing the "I love sex" monologue and now I know just how comical and terrible she did it now that I've read the play. I can't believe how everyone loved it. Man, sometimes people with high opinions are wrong, wrong, wrong.

That's a Wrap

I wrapped my high budget Film "Debut" early this morning. I took some pictures of all that remains of myself after a 12 hr fake party for you. As far as the shoot went nothing dramatic happened, unless you count me sitting in a pool of fake Champagne and having some poor wardrobe girl blow dry my ass. Honey I've been there! I love everyone I met there and hope to run into them someday, I only got two phone numbers: The two cuties I danced with ;)

So Tired and Punch-drunk

Disney gave me Bedroom eyes and Joan Crawford's eyebrows

I wish I could figure out how to do my makeup like this in under 10 sec.

Just for the heck of it here's a photo from the Minotaur demo I did:

I defy you to make anyone look attractive in a sack dress

The Drama Bookstore Adventure

Late last night I got this business-in-the-front, but still terrific email saying that I was up for a part I've wanted to play since college. They wanted me to prep another monologue from the same writer. 

I woke up early this morning and decide to go down to the Drama Bookstore on 40th in my old trotting ground of my old shopper-is-a-fancy-way-of-saying-delivery-bitch job. I get out of the subway and am immediately suffocated by the 41st street air on this 84 degree humid day the rotting fart smell was particularly buoyant. 

To add to my claustrophobia I am plunged into a crowd of very confused, incredibly foreign tourist forcing you to walk around there rolly bags like traffic cones on a DMV test. I can't help but feel that some Taxi driver or hotel.com trafficker sent these people to the middle of crowded nowhere to look for shelter and a purpose. There is nothing with in a 20 blocks south of that street other than sweatshops and products to support said shops. I am struck with the immediate relief that I am no longer forced to trudge up and down this crowded cluster-fuck with 2,000 yards of fabric in a thin plastic sack, I am one blessed girl.

The Drama Bookstore is one of my favorite places in NYC namely because I can find what I want easily and with out distraction. I love just being saturated in plays, which is a new feeling since it's such a bitch to find plays in a bookstore in SD. I bought two plays naturally hoping that my investment will pay off. I did some H&M and Sephora therapy afterward, (resisting the urge to punch 5 people in the face on the crawl down to 34th) only essentials ho-hum which made me long for the high-roller dresser days, not the work but the cash.

I'm going to try and get a little sleep in before I visit the coffee mecca so that I can stay awake for 15 more hours. I'm not complaining, I love acting gigs.

The best/fucked up NYC moment of the day, as I am passing by one of the young street vendors/hustlers I hear him call after these two little like 7 year old girls and their Father, "You girls enjoy your day at school o.k and eat because there are children dying of starvation and can't go to school because of people like you" The guy standing next to me goes "Damn I guess he got a lot of no's today"

Bettie Gets all Girl Power

I gotta get all my sleep done today since I'm going to be up all night tomorrow. I'm pretty excited. Nothing new going on today three day holiday weekends go by to damn slow for the unemployed and looking. I'm hoping for a big wave of notices to come crashing down tomorrow. I am also debating on taking a waitress job. Hot damn a waitress and an actress that is unheard of in NYC. 

I've had a nice chunk of me time though and I finally caught up with some BUST mag. reading I love how that magazine leaves me feeling so fresh and girl-power. I read this article on Amy Sedaris and she is one of my favorite funny ladies, all her own and brilliant. If you haven't bought her book you need to own it now. 

The last play I ushered for was Single Black Female, Fuck those Sex In the City cows that play was amazing because it was all about single successful womanhood and was still brutally honest in the wave of loneliness  and confusion that can come with it.

A list of famous women whom I find inspiring that I never hear enough of:

Dr. Maya Angelou

Amy Sedaris

Margaret Cho

Amy Poehler

Lucille Ball

Madam C.J Walker

Sophia Loren

Angelina Jolie

Shirley Manson

Elizabeth Wurzel

My Favorite Internet Ladies:

Miranda July

Diablo Cody

Natalie Dee

Bonnie Burton

Suzie Bright

Joanna Angel

Isa Chandra Moskowitz

Best Women "Rise above it" books (that I've Read so far):

Gather together in my Name

Eat, Pray, Love

Radical Sanity

Extra Work Pays OFF!!

I'm ecstatic. The Film I'm shooting background work for needs me tomorrow. Yay more screen time for me!! Wait Background story, So I registered with a casting agency like three days ago and then the following day I called up their hotline and found out that they needed an italian looking person for a spot as a wedding guest. I called and got the gig.

I show up at this huge like 1800's bank that has been reinvented into a background holding facility and turned out I didn't have the right wardrobe so I got sad at first but then the wardrobe women started dressing me in this too big emerald colored dress and gold everything else. Then she tells me to go to hair and make-up and I'm like holy shit, Disney is rich enough to provide this for extras?

From there wait what seems like an eternity eating from the Kraft table. Then suddenly the PA hustles me across the street to set and I shoot my first scene I was all the way in back of some tall sweaty man thinking what the hell? you can't even see me after two takes the asst. director tell me that I have really great expressions on camera. 

Then comes the big dance scene. A really sweet Dancer pulled me into the dancing circle and we shot that scene for an eternity. Make-up women patting our sweaty brows and fixing our make-up. 

When we rap that the Asst. Director goes girl with the green dress I want you dancing here. Right in back of the Lead couple dancing and he finds me an equally vibrant colored partner to dance with. Mind you this is 4 o'clock in the morning we'd been shooting since 6pm the previous day! So when you see the cute couple dancing behind K-Bell holding each other romantically, umm no we we're kind of falling asleep while standing.

We wrapped at 8 in the morning, all of us staggering out delirious to the subway. I was walking with my dance partner nearly walking right into a moving car. But I was so happy and they are going to have to work hard if they plan on cutting me out of that bitch!

Best Part: They need me again on MON!!!

Welcome and Benvenue

Hello and Welcome to my Blog, I am Bettie I will be your host for this evening. 

So I moved to NYC from San Diego, I left all of my friends and family behind in search of a better life. I was quite unhappy there and making all of my near and dear miserable right along with me. I tried to follow my dreams of being a working actress, so after a brief but fabulous 4 day visit last year I went home and decided to take the big step and move to New York.

It all seemed like perfect timing or fate whatever you want to call it I met so many people and jumped at so many perfect opportunities and found a place to live and started auditioning and submitting to agencies and directors. After my recent attempt at working for the man left me miserable and broke I have now decided to focus solely on my career and my life. I am starting to realize that you know life is just too short to be miserable. I have watched first hand how misery and disappointment can take a hold of some peoples lives and I don't want to suffer that same fate.

I happy to say that luck has started to find me and that I'm actually finding roles and having fun here. I've started this blog because no one really sees the happiness and heartache of what it takes to follow a dream until it has been achieve and I want to document everything that goes along with that experience. I write this for myself but I also invite you to share this journey with me.