Thursday, November 27, 2008

Fire walk with me

I found out Twin Peaks is rerunning on T.V now (the Chiller Channel 199 if you have cable). I've been watching it everyday god, I haven't seen this since I was a teenager. I'm pretty excited about it after all these years it's still pretty damn good. I remember when I thought Kyle Mclaughlin was the sexiest agent I had ever seen, and you know, he kinda still is...

Monday, November 24, 2008

Contemplating life and career

So, I'm back in California trying to figure out where exactly I want to be in my life. What exactly do I want to do. I forgot how nice it was to wear what you like and not worry day to day about what you look like. I read once someone describe New Yorkers as all dressed in black so that no one would be worried that they would be out of style; It's completely true. If there's one thing I noticed New Yorkers can do well it is make a head to toe black outfit seem original by alternating textures. I've been pretty frustrated lately with the roles available in the ads, everyone wants the same thing, the same women in a category that I don't belong in or want to.

 I'm feeling torn between living my way in California or going to NY and doing it their way until I can do it my way. 10 years ago I would have never questioned wearing the clothes I wanted or looking how ever I wanted and the scariest thing is now I question whether or not people -whom I probably will never meet or care about- will find me offensive or ugly or poor. I would have never cared about it back then, when did I change?

It makes me think about the book the Fountainhead and the character of Peter who goes through life always pleasing others and having them be the first thing on his mind, which to him is expectance which is the love he is looking for, and ultimately he grows into an empty shell with basically no soul. That scares me, after I read that book I could see how easy it would be to be that kind of a person. There must be some form of that young, hardcore, I'm-gonna-do-it-my-own-damn-way chick inside me somewhere and I have to rescue her before she get eaten alive by one more Madison Avenue piece of shit telling her she's too fat while she glosses her janis-from-the-muppet-show giant lips. I went to New York, did some gigs but something is still missing and if I am gonna change in anyway I would rather grow, Not shrink.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

A fairy tale

There once was a young girl who lived at the top of a grate hill that faced a tremendous moor. Every day the wind would whistle and be carried up, up, up to the tree tops that surrounded her tiny little cottage. One day the wind brought to her a handsome stranger. She saw him making his way to the cottage and ran up to meet him. He had been traveling a long way he didn't know where he was going all he knew was that he would know when he got there. She was fascinated by this man and brought him into the cottage and fed him soup and bread that she had made earlier that day. He was very hungry and very grateful for the small meal and in turn told her stories of his wandering, people he had met, places he had seen, all excited the girl, she had never had a need to go any further than the bottom of the hill that held the cottage. The stranger stayed no more than an hour, leaving her with nothing but an embrace and a mind full of mysteries. 

A week later the high winds set another stranger at the girls door, this time it was an old woman who claimed she was lost in the moor for hours trying to find the town. The girl let the woman into her house and gave her bread and wine. The old woman sat eating in silence for sometime when she looked up from her plate she told the girl that to pay her for her kindness she would tell her, her future. The young girl didn't believe in such things but decided to play along. After all the old woman was very poor by her dress and wanted so much to repay her. The woman took the young girl's hand and stared into the palm. "You must leave this place, A terrible storm is going to sweep up the moor and you will not be able to survive it". 'That's silly' thought the girl, 'This home has outlasted storms for generations, this is my home, I will not leave it'. The woman gazed into the girl's eyes, "Your true love waits for you at the end of your great journey, You will know who he is, you have seen his face before." With these words the old woman got up and left the cottage disappearing into the night, the wind whistling like a banshee behind her. 

The young girl was so troubled by this prediction, she didn't know wether to take the old woman's predictions as true or not. Strange, there were never visitors to these parts and with these two she didn't know what to make of it. She decided to continue with her chores as she always had done and put the strange meetings in the back of her mind. However the face of the man that the wind had brought her remained in her minds eye, throughout each day that went on. She never had any desire to leave her home on any adventure. The cottage was the home where she was born and she always had figured she would live there the rest of her days. It was silly to think that, even if she did choose to leave her home, how would she ever find the strange man? She thought on and on about the stories that he had told her. More and more she wished that she was there with him exploring strange lands.

The days crept on, and as the old woman predicted a horrible wind blew in from the north. The girl looked out her window at the approaching storm. "I am not afraid of it" she said. "I have weathered things far more terrible than you". The wind blew on her door, rattled the windows, and shook the floorboards, "You must leave this place," the wind seemed to scream as it tore off the shingles. "You must flee, find your love", the old woman's voice rang in the girls mind. She flew to the window and screamed out into the night "Never! I will outlast you! Do your worst!". 'If I chose to leave it will be of my own accord and nothing else' and she wrapped herself in blankets and sat at the window. She saw the heavens opening up and the storm came crashing around her. The wind and hail pounded on her door as if they had powerful hands knocking urgently. Stray tree branches scraped the wall and the wind seemed to cry to her.  The rain pouring on the window pane began to take the shape of the face of the old woman. "No," she screamed, "I will turn my back to you!" and she turned her chair. The lighting flashed and the rain poured. "If this is all you can do, I will sleep and not think on you another moment." With these words she got up and went and lay on her small bed the face of the old woman still beckoning to her at the window. 

When the girl awoke the next morning the storm had ended. Looking out the window the morning seemed grey but the moor had grown green and lush over night. When she opened the door lying at the foot of the steps was the traveler that she had met weeks ago. With all of her might she pulled him inside and set him on the bench by the fire. It appeared he had been out in the rain the entire night. The rain had brought on a fever to the man and the girl began to nurse him back to health. When he regained the power to speak, he spoke of an old woman whom he met on the road the previous day who told him of new journey he must set himself on. She told him that through all his wandering he had never found the one thing that mattered most in life. She told him to set his sights on the north star and follow it for a day straight though. He had no where in-particular to be and was very interested in finding the one thing that mattered most in his life. He had always considered himself a happy man and was curious to know what was missing. 

When the storm came upon him he couldn't turn back no matter how hard it raged. The black clouds eventually covered the stars but his curiosity and determination pushed him further and further, until he found himself in the middle of a moor staring at the old woman he had seen the day before. "My dear lady what are you doing out here in this monstrous weather?" She just looked up at him and smiled, "Madam are you alright?" The woman came forward and placed her hand to his forehead and that was the final thing her remembered until waking in the young girls cottage. The young girl hand her hand pressed to his forehead, he looked at her smiled, he knew he would find what he was looking for when he would arrive to it. The young girl smiled as she heard this story, for though she never believed in these sort of things she recognized the man's face. -J.M

Monday, November 17, 2008

Back again

I'm Back in San Diego for the Holiday season. I went back on the train, It wasn't as bad an experience as everyone had made it out to be. It was pretty neat to see all the different seasons change before my eyes even though it is November. I went from cold to 80 degrees here in California. I loved crossing the Rockies, I had this protective feeling about it, it was so beautiful that I felt I would scream if I saw a piece of trash anywhere...

Journal entry 11-14-08:
We passed through the Rockies this morning. Colorado was snowing especially when we hit Trinidad. It looked like powdered sugar dusted all over the earth. My first thought was to question if what I saw was white sand and then I noticed the flurries. 

We just hit New Mexico, it was as if the window switched channels. The sun appeared and the snow abruptly stopped. The mountains are flatter here. I see a few mesas, everything is yellow and tan. The only green that remains is a dark forest color. Combined with the clouds that stretch across the sky the land creates a horizon of opportunity and welcome, I can imagine that this is what the settlers saw once they made it over the worst of those mountain peaks.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Don't knock the chick in the Coral...

I left my house today wearing black skinny pants, brown boots and a coral colored velour hoodie. As I made the journey into the Manhattan streets (half of the subways weren't operating normally), I looked around me and my self confidence shrunk a tad. All around me there were a sea of black leather motorcycle jackets and brown coats and tan coats and more black. You couldn't distinguish one person from another except for the occasional colored pashmina or hat. I couldn't help but hearing Pink Floyd's wall in my head as I walked all over trying to find homecoming gifts for my family. I do not fit in here. At least not in the drab neutrals of the holiday season. 

Clothing choice has always been an issue with me, I am drawn to bright colors and pieces with a rockabilly or gothic flare, you know, stuff I am inspired by. I've had this experience repeated since my early high school days, I'm sorry to inform any of my adolescent readers that it doesn't get any better. It takes courage to hold your head up high when you feel like you don't fit in or that people are looking at you and judging. No matter how much you wanna say forget them, sometimes there are days when you can't. Believe me I have tried to do current fashion, I've bought the skinny jeans and the unflattering lipsticks and shirts, but when I actually wear them I feel like, there's no other word for it: a tool, and that is just what I have become. I let the corporations that sponsor the mannequins and the magazines get to me and make me shell out my cash for the ugly frost lipstick that makes me look dead or the jeans that make me look really short and all I have to say for my self is "hey, I'm in style."

I spoke to my mom about this today and I mentioned that I needed a new coat for the bitter cold that will eventually come to NY. I know in CA they are going to sell that stuff super cheap after Christmas and I thought cool I'll have winter clothes like everyone else here and then I sighed and said, "Whatever, I really want a either a red peacoat, spearmint or leopard," I guess I will never learn. Good...

***
1. Shirley Manson
2. Sophia Loren
3. Marc by Marc Jacobs
4. Gwen Stefani
5. Kiera Knightley in the Duchess
6. Courtney Love Circa 1994

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Read a freakin' book...

I'm leaving next Wednesday for San Diego, I am so excited to see my family, friends and dogs again. I'm taking the train which is a 3 day journey, I've heard both arguments for it, some people describe it as almost zen like and others tell me I will be so bored. I am bringing enough reading and movies so I think I'll be good. I went to Barnes and Noble yesterday looking for the new Maya Angelou book: Letter to my Daughter. My God, I am nearly finished with it and it is my favorite book she has written so far. The eloquence of this amazing woman is beyond anything I can hope to achieve. There was a book signing a week or two ago which I missed and am still a little angry about but I have seen her speak before in high school which I will remember forever. As she nears the dawn of her life this book is a treasure that she leaves to us, It makes me think of Kurt Vonnegut's last book: Man without a County (at least it was supposed to be) which is pretty great too.
Lately I've been on a reading kick, It started with my computer being in the shop, I've decided to read the entire Strand 80. I've already read 22 of them which was pretty impressive. I'm getting really into Ayn Rand she's not what I expected at all.

***
1. Maya Angelou
2. Anais Nin
3. Ayn Rand
4. Kurt Vonnegut
5. Paulo Coelho

Friday, November 7, 2008

Inspiration.. the Blog

Midnight: November 5th, 2008

Never more so have I felt so connected to this nation. The push and the struggle for someone to trust. The strength of will it took to have someone like me, someone I relate to, represent myself in this country. It is overwhelming. On this day I am an American. On this day I have faith in the power of change. On this day I have witnessed the birth of a new U.S.A. My country with a new look. Much like 9/11 only with a happier circumstance, I can feel, through watching all of those smiling faces and eyes with hope over the nation. A collective stand as one. A nation ravaged/raped, by war, corporations, machinery, and mismanagement, finally having hope, something to cling to, something to be proud of. There is someone to truly represent what America was always supposed to be: acceptance and forward-thinking in the free world. What change will this day bring for my future children? This was too amazing to imagine.
**
What do I do to make this world a better place?
Is it an action, a thought, a breath
I've moved here on my own accord
First woman of many who've come before me.
To live the hard struggle of doing it alone.
I still struggle to show the meaning of why it was so necessary,
Why it is so important to do it on my own feet alone.
***
I personally think that Fiona Apple is one of the greatest lyricists of my generation and I wonder if the reason she is not so widely acclaimed as such is because she is a woman and/or hasn't massively self-destructed ala Amy Winehouse to some how physically prove her frailty...