'Cause I need to keep going....

Watching Mythos I I suddenly realized that I have been denying some of my pleasures and bliss for two solid years. I can now understand what I have been feeling that's been growing inside my emotions like a disease.

When I met ______ I used to have a pretty engaging "web-life/presence", enough for my liking. I blogged and wrote frequently. I was on a creative high, using the internet as a creative outlet, "maybe someone will read this, just to get it out there." Then one day I found a shitty comment on one of my random posts, conversing with another friend, essentially accusing me of being a reverse racist. I stopped everything. I didn't need to. It was solely his issue and he should've been minding his own fucking business anyway. But it scared me that something I wrote, something so frivolous as I did that day could cause pain.

Now I know that nothing I did or wrote was wrong at all, but in the wrong neurotic hands words can be misconstrued. I suppose I always knew this. The important thing that I have to take from this experience is that I am not responsible for what others PROJECT on to me and my writings. Good or bad, most anything can be twisted in a mind that is bent on gnawing on it's own insides. It's not my job to disengage and already far poisoned mind.

On ending

Please join me in a moment of silence as I mourn the end of a lost era...a time that I fought with and fought through, so far from what I wanted...How much will I miss the constant neediness? How much will I miss the foot stomping and the pantyhose of a 26 year old never being right? Others find me brave, while they don't know I am terrified of falling even while I close my eyes and jump off every cliff...No hang glider above me...No net to catch me as I fly along...I always remember things easier that they were when I look through the rearview mirror...See, it's the happiest moments I choose to reflect on when each end of an era draws near.

The tenderest honeysuckle

Like a princess who deserved her prince,

I was always sweet;

dripping tenderness from my eyes

like honey from a comb.

One day He came and

took from me a small taste

that grew myself

rotten and unseemly.

Taste buds left stuck deep

to all the sap that

dwelled in me.

Another day,

further, when years had gone

by,

lonely,

I cried. Which brought back the buzzing spark

I thought had

forever died.

It filled me full again,

so that I burst!

Cascading, radiating,

all that once was long closed.

All that remained was pure jubilation

from these new tears

that rose.

Missing pieces

I'm feeling slightly broody tonight. Things came up and now I am left with these thoughts that I am chewing over. I won't think on them too long though, they seem like puzzles that were purposely made with missing pieces.

I don't understand people who reminisce so fondly that they desperately were back in that time at that moment. Sometimes when I look back at people who are on the same path as when I left they look stuck; sad. Their face and body look older. Their eyes look sadder. And I feel as though I am looking at them across a chasm, I have to turn away.

I don't understand why people keep up false relationships for appearances (mainly I am talking about women here.) I will never hurt a friend but I refuse to maintain smiles when someone is abusive.

In the darkest corner of my mind I secretly hate it when men show their weakness so openly to me it's like seeing a car crash full of clowns. Especially so when I am not supposed to show any sign of complaint or weakness. It's one thing digging and talking it's another to walk up and puke all over my shoe, so to speak. I wish that baggage was saved for therapy.

It's so crazy, that the time came when I realized I had nothing to prove and I didn't have to ask anyone's permission to live. Then when I looked around the people I loved most were desperately trying to prove themselves to a nameless world while totally depreciating their own well being.

Time for the release of the old and beginning a new

It appears as though it has only been a little over a year since I have written. It feels like years though. This blog I started in NY working as an actress. It served me exceedingly well and helped put a damper on my loneliness. I moved back to San Diego for my reasons. My goal now had turned to becoming a full blown writer, meaning paid :) I'm the last year I was lucky enough to have both extreme happiness and crushing sadness and the pain that comes with both. This has molded me into something I feel is very very different than before. I realized that I missed blogging. Arianna Huffington was on Bill Maher the other night talking about how self expression was the new form of entertainment and that it could be used either highly or frivolously depending on what people do with it. I'd like maybe try a little of both.

Peace + <3
BC/JJ

RIP

So I don't give a fuck what anyone thinks I am actually crushed that Michael Jackson died. I was in shock when I found out and last night I was crying and today I went to the Apollo and signed the floor and cried again. I just was watching Black or white and seeing Macauly Culkin so young made me realize that I was two years younger than him when that video came out and I was a huge fan then. Anyone who knew me as a kid knew how I was obsessed with Michael when I was a child and it never really changed (Don't make me get out the pictures! lol) I was such a lonely little girl and before I discovered rock all I had that gave me solace was my Michael Jackson tapes and recorded of the tv videos for quite awhile...I remember reading his lyric books that come with the CD's later and feeling the power that he had with words especially about loneliness and not fitting in...It's no wonder why I feel like I lost a childhood friend... I have never hidden the fact that I was a fan of his and I am not ashamed to admit that I am devastated that he is gone...

Whoa, Update

So I've been slacking on this blog for a whole month! What's been up with me, a lot has been happening this previous month. Most recently I've started a new job. Yay I'm no longer part of that lucky 22%.. I hostess at a Chocolate restaurant in union square. The people are great and yes it is something that I did back in college but I like the fact that I am actually working, you can only sit on your ass for so long. I've been at it only a few days but it's been good to me. I also have been working on another book. It's turning out well, I love it when I have something to work on. The outline is finished. I read "A million little pieces" it was all good until my friends informed me that it was all a big fucking lie. That totally killed it for me, James Grey should have just been like yo none of this happened hope you like the show. It was still a good book though, half way through I was like, yeah none of this happened, weird shit happens every day but if this happened in this order you must have been high through rehab or high while writing the book or both. And how convenient that half the people in the story are supposedly dead in the updates... OK, I'm done.

the best thing I've seen all day!

wow

Lips, Hips, Thighs and Tits

I finally finished the movie Waitress. I loved it. In the aftermath of watching it after being so inspired by Adrienne Shelly and her work, I realized just how sexist this business if not this society still is. How women are still only supposed to remain pretty or smart but never both, how we hat to objectify our bodies and are taught self-loathing at such a young age. I remember putting myself on a "diet" at age 7. Not because I was fat (I had pencil thin legs) but because my Girl Talk book talked about diets and I had equated it with femininity, like a girl at a tea party, "I'm watching my figure". As I get older nothing seems to change. I don't want to look in the mirror and loathe what I see.

Maybe we do need a little uprising. Maybe we do need more Adrienne Shelly's and Diablo Cody's women who are being recognized in this male driven field as storytellers. Women of action. For Christ sake look at Woody Allen, weirdest looking motherfucker, puts himself in all his films, which in some cases are 75% bullshit and everyone raves (or did). Shelly writes Waitress and people call it trite or Cody writes Juno and people say she must have stolen the idea. The only time female storytellers are praised in film is when they write the book it was adapted from, Annie Proulx for example.

I'm tired of living in this society with this gross understatement of a woman that I have to live up to if I want to "make something of myself". Yes, girls can get a degree but we still can never have dessert everyday cause it's supposed to be a treat, a privilege -Thank you shape Magazine 08. Have you ever been in the same room with a man and a cake? It's a fucking right as in give me the cake right now. I'm over it. I am the original model of a latin woman all lips, hips, thighs and tits all on a 5'3" frame. Interesting enough, you stick this equation on a white girl ahem, Scarlett Johansson, and she's regaled as this beautiful au-natural 1950's pinup esque sex-pot all new wave, and when it's a latin girl she's Ugly Betty or African she's turned down in Dreamgirls for Beyonce. We need to bring strength back into the female film form. I am so over watching these wilting sallow faced lilies. It's so boring to watch a skeleton try to act. I'm sorry but I never in my life aspire to be able to see my hipbones jut out and have my ribcage protrude through my shirt and I still am beautiful.

Change huh?

And so change is supposed to be coming tomorrow but I still here about ultra conservatives taking there beliefs into their own hands and violating people CASE IN POINT. What is wrong with people? Everyone stood by last year and allowed racist remarks "slip past" on television and as fighting dirty campaign tactics when they had nothing left and now women have to be afraid of going to the Ob/Gyn because they won't "believe" in my choice of birth control and violate me? Fuck that!

I wanna throw my Shoe!!!

Am I the only one in this country who is disturbed if not freaked out by all of these new "laws" that Bush is trying to throw in under the wire? The last one I heard about (but curiously can't find info about on the news sites) is that a medical person, doctor, pharmacist, etc. could refuse to give you medication if they have a moral objection to it. What the hell? Then why be in the field? So there would be a possibility that someone would deny me birth control if they thought it meant I was a slut? or I can't get meds cause they believe that I actually have satan inside instead of a tumor. Jesus that's all I need when I have to deal with our bullshit healthcare, some "official" with the ideals of Tom Cruise. If this is gonna pass then I wanna be a pharmacy tech so that I can deny boner pills to old men cause I believe when they turn 65 it's time to stop fucking, hey if they can dish it they better be able to take it. What is up with Bush and these "laws" and then holding "friendly", "productive" meetings with President-elect Obama? Doesn't everyone hate it when it's time for your work shift and the asshole before you made a mess of your work station. Man, maybe we should all take turns chucking our shoes at him.

Just an Idea

I just read an article in an old magazine that described the person whom it was about as "one of those lucky folks who actually has her dream job." Who says that you have to be lucky to do what you want and have what you want out of life? Who says that you aren't entitled to have the life you want to have? What if the reason why we can have such passions for things the universe's [whatever name you want to call it] easy way of sorting up our lives and we are just complicating the flow with our "societies" views (which are only chosen by a few trying to keep the dregs in line) and beliefs that happiness happens with luck and knowing just a few people?

Don't knock the chick in the Coral...

I left my house today wearing black skinny pants, brown boots and a coral colored velour hoodie. As I made the journey into the Manhattan streets (half of the subways weren't operating normally), I looked around me and my self confidence shrunk a tad. All around me there were a sea of black leather motorcycle jackets and brown coats and tan coats and more black. You couldn't distinguish one person from another except for the occasional colored pashmina or hat. I couldn't help but hearing Pink Floyd's wall in my head as I walked all over trying to find homecoming gifts for my family. I do not fit in here. At least not in the drab neutrals of the holiday season. 

Clothing choice has always been an issue with me, I am drawn to bright colors and pieces with a rockabilly or gothic flare, you know, stuff I am inspired by. I've had this experience repeated since my early high school days, I'm sorry to inform any of my adolescent readers that it doesn't get any better. It takes courage to hold your head up high when you feel like you don't fit in or that people are looking at you and judging. No matter how much you wanna say forget them, sometimes there are days when you can't. Believe me I have tried to do current fashion, I've bought the skinny jeans and the unflattering lipsticks and shirts, but when I actually wear them I feel like, there's no other word for it: a tool, and that is just what I have become. I let the corporations that sponsor the mannequins and the magazines get to me and make me shell out my cash for the ugly frost lipstick that makes me look dead or the jeans that make me look really short and all I have to say for my self is "hey, I'm in style."

I spoke to my mom about this today and I mentioned that I needed a new coat for the bitter cold that will eventually come to NY. I know in CA they are going to sell that stuff super cheap after Christmas and I thought cool I'll have winter clothes like everyone else here and then I sighed and said, "Whatever, I really want a either a red peacoat, spearmint or leopard," I guess I will never learn. Good...

***

1. Shirley Manson

2. Sophia Loren

3. Marc by Marc Jacobs

4. Gwen Stefani

5. Kiera Knightley in the Duchess

6. Courtney Love Circa 1994

What's in a name?

Apparently the Republican Party has sunk to an all time low and have gone back to name calling. So stupid, can't they think of anything else, For the record in case you haven't heard Obama's middle name is Hussien. It's his KENYAN Grandfathers FIRST name, Barack is his father's name and it's not even spelt the same way as Saddam's, Ever heard the lyrics "My daddy gave me a name then he walked away"? done and done. And for the record my first name is Jihan it means "world" in Arabic, those of you who read these know that I am not Arabic but, oh shit change one letter and my name becomes something else. Wow, but am I really that surprised this is the same party that was locking up people a few years ago because of their names, I don't know about you but I am tired of playing Peter and the Wolf with this party, the American people need to grow up for as many red alerts as we have had in these 8 years nothing has happened why are we even addressing something this stupid. I hate to make my blogs about "Is Bettie smarter than an ancient Republican?" but lord someone has to say it.

Get Political

I watched the debates last night. It wasn't anything unexpected, Obama groomed, confident, sensible and McCain, wandering (get out of the shot dude), condescending, and practically trying to sit at peoples laps to address the crowd. I confess never saw the first debate and I have only either read or listened to McCain's ideas briefly before I changed the channel. Actually sitting down and listening to him I realize that people aren't kidding when they say he's way out of touch. He seems to think that all Americans are divided 3 ways Big Corps, Workers, and Small Business owners, the latter being included I guess in workers so really two kinds of Americans, don't get it, me neither. I remember meeting some people in italy and their impression of Americans is that we were weird cause we seemed to live to work like we love the sweat of it, While they saw jobs as their day almost began when the work day was over and they could enjoy themselves. Watching McCain last night I can see why they could see my culture that way. My favorite quote was "We don't have time for on the job training" as he said that it had occurred to me that wow, he's friggin old and he's doing this with Palin. My God can you imagine Palin having to represent this country against Putin! And what is with McCain never saying Senator Obama he kept calling him "that one" or "Obama" show some respect.

No I don't have to accept that your a racist bastard...

This was meant to be a blog for yesterday but I just got home. I know I've touched on the topic of accepted racism before but whenever I am confronted with it in life it still takes me by surprise and frustrates me to high heaven. To recap, it really bugs me when I am with a group of non-latinos shall we say and someone says out loud "oh yeah I know a Mexican" or "Mexicans are great I used to work with one and he was cool", my personal favorite was back in the day I was having a fight with a boyfriend and I screamed "I bet I am the only Mexican you have ever known in your life!" and he screamed back "That's not true my nannie was Mexican!".

Today I was on that topic with a group of people my age and another woman who was "listening" to our conversation and was talking about how she had been to Acapulco and how she enjoyed Mexican. She found them to be "Primitive" (I am not making this up, she used that word) and "yet with this wonderful sophistication layered over it,(I think she was mistaking them for a Burrito) topped with an ability to work hard (they always through that in there using it like a "no offense" line and well and still know how to have a good time (meaning we make Tequila right)." I don't know if I mentioned this but she was older and white. But, all I could do is stare at her like "Did you really have to open your mouth at all?" And she didn't seem the least concerned that something she had said could have offended me.

It never fails that whenever this happens people tell me "oh she didn't mean it like that" or "It was just a joke." To me, that shit is just not funny. I don't get the joke and I have a low tolerance for ignorant people with no desire to learn that it is wrong. I'm not saying everyone should be overly P.C but give me a break. I don't understand how some people will be so careful not to say anything that might seem offensive to African American people (Even though I do see the backhanded racist stuff the Republican party does to Obama), but will call me a Spic to my face or stretch his eyes out to my Asian friend.
This is wrong we all are on this green kick and loving the earth but we can't even respect our fellow man. Like when Vogue came out with their stupid "Green Issue" and all these chicks were carrying around tote bags that said "not a plastic bag" made by some over-priced designer. Maybe Vogue should put out a "Brown issue" or "Rainbow issue" and all these Backwood mentality/Waspy bastards will learn that it's cool to not talk out of your ass even though you "mean no disrespect." Yeah read my bag it says "It's not cool to call me a Beaner even if that's what your mom calls me!"

Love and Respect people give it and get it.

Remembering...7 years ago

Today marks 7 years since the Tower fell on 9.11. The day outside has been gloomy and dark. I haven't brought myself to watch any news but I was down at the site yesterday. My god it was huge I can't imagine, actually I am too afraid to imagine it. 7 years ago this was the day, in my eyes, where the country began to fall and the President began to fail his people. I hope this upcoming year and years to come brings healing and peace, I can't tell you how wonderful it would be to see the light again...

FUCK fashion yo!

So truth be told I only own one pair of Jeans, Why you may ask because all the jeans I try on in the store either are cut too low (I mean really I just can't get used to wearing pants that, frankly, barely make it over my vagina no matter what magazine I see them in) or are made for those damn girls that never grow into their thighs after their pre-teen years. Seriously is it that hard to fucking find a pair of decent jeans in all of New York?

The pair I was wearing were size 6 Lucky's so I went to century 21 and grabbed a bunch meaning at least 6 pairs from sizes 6 to 12 and not one pair fit right!! I was not about to go to a size 16 cause I damn well know that I am not that size. Granted the majority of them were those fucking skinny jeans which are all you can find right now. Fuck that! this is why I wear so many strange and vintage outfits when you see me on the street, it's not cause I am trendy it's cause nothing goddamn fits! And then now we decided to get all UK but instead of trying to take on the metric system we change the jeans size to 20-35 instead of 0-13, so then your doing the math in your head like an asshole trying to figure out what the hell size you wear. It's not worth it and frankly it leaves me so sad that my fat ass goes outside and eats a big ice cream cone like, "well shit what's the point of I'm never gonna fit into anything anyhow fatty fat fat fat!" (I'm not fat by the way, but if the jeans that I have on fit me perfectly I should only deviate one or two sizes not the end of the rainbow! As logical as that seems.)

Any girls out there know where I can get a pair of jeans that doesn't make me want to swallow laudanum after I leave the store?

Umm...ok

So someone left a comment that Equus isn't about Fetishism and that Daniel's 19 ok... Well he's still a teenager and he is fixated on horses, and yes I got the whole mix in with religion, and philosophy and the unsatisfied psychiatrist and such but I don't want to give away spoilers on why I believe that it does seem to me to deal with forms of fetishism. Theatre is an art form that is welcome to all kinds of interpretation, what I may see and read won't necessarily be what you interpret. There is no right way to view an piece of art and the wonderful show I saw last night was rich with visuals and emotion. There were parts of the play and the production I saw last night that my interpretation of Daniel's performance makes me see it that way. Even 19 is still younger than me and close enough to the characters age to still have me stand by my opinions. I welcome criticism if it's constructive and not just someone rudely and anonymously telling me that I am wrong. This is my personal blog and thoughts I'm not Perez Hilton or some shit so, please people don't get all hostile and butt hurt with me on this damn thing, it's just my opinion, O.K If you want go watch the play yourself and write your own review on your own blog.

Yes HE Can!

As I passed by the Brooklyn Diner on 57th St. last night all 4 of their T.V's were tuned onto Obama's address, watching history in the making. I woke up this morning and watched the speech that the show had me miss last night. It's absolutely refreshing to hear an address by a man who doesn't sound like Ernest addresses the nation. I wonder if the feelings I got watching this were the same as someone watching Martin Luther King jr. speak or JFK or Lincoln. I've been asked rather rudely at times if I think Barack Obama will change all the problems in this country, if "He'll fix things." All I can say is that I am tired with the struggles in this country and I have hope which is about all we can carry these days. Yes, I believe him.