You only want it cause it's over

Someone's come back into my life again...

Putting it mildly, and it's driving me crazy.

I've worked so hard in breaking down my walls not being so hard hearted and hard on life. And now I feel like life is pop quizzing me. 

All I want to do is be mean and spew out the hurt I feel inside. 

At the same time I want to be at peace and love unconditionally...

The eternal Gemini forever Goth and Hippie :)

Is there a balance between this??

The worst part is not feeling like I can depend on this person. 

So much shattered trust. How do I forgive?? 

My heart is so weighed down tonight. 

It feels like I'm drowning. 

                           

                                 

If you're flawless, then you'll win my love.

I'm a perfectionist. A total Pitta all the way. I've got this constant inner need to fix things that are broken, even if they are wayyyyy broken. I will be the one that will beat the dead horse both figuratively and literally (or at least try to shake it and wake it up.) It's just how I remember learning to be. "Never give up, never say die, you're a constant warrior on the battlefield." Some times people think I am a Taurus.

I'm finding that this nature, while keeping me on my toes, is causing me more harm than good. I'm starting to feel more and more like I used to when I was a kid. Like a bird in a cage picking out all her feathers. Only this time it's not my parents constantly telling me to look out for all the dangers out there. It is so engrained in me that I can do it myself without even thinking about it. I want things to be perfect because I'm terrified of being hurt and of people hurting me.

It doesn't surprise me that I have had relationships and even in my job, demanding of me more and more because something just isn't enough. Some people enjoy this but I end up walking away from it defeated because I feel like I wasn't ______ enough. These cycles get worse with traumas in my life.

Constantly demanding perfecting is essentially telling yourself that things are in a constant state of imperfection and will never be wonderful because something is always wrong.

Deepak Chopra says that attachment is fear. Like a bird clinging to a wall because it doesn't trust himself to fly.

To me one of the most romantic movie lines ever is from Bridget Jones. Colin Firth tells her, "I like you just the way you are." *hmmm, maybe someday, maybe today :)

peace

The day when it dawns

I woke up nestled in my lover's white sheets. Woke up looking into eyes the color of a cloudless sky; long honey colored lashes. Remembering the strength I felt the night before and the night a few days before that.

He kisses me and runs his long fingers down my back. He gets up, puts on the clothes thrown on the floor and makes me the coffee he had started 12 hours ago.

I always love looking around the floor surrounding the bed at the scattered remains. He asks if I would like a cup, handing me a small serving in a dainty floral tea cup that has been in this borrowed apartment forever. We snuggle and I read the New York Times together, miles away from anything going on there. He gets out his laptop to check the baseball score. Charmingly explaining each score, illuminating me on the extreme difference between the Mets and Red Socks. I drink my coffee like an english rose, smiling to myself. I won't tell him my Grandfather had been taking me to games since I was in diapers. I point out the picture of the Somalian Refugee on the front page. Eyes glazed in tragedy, beautifully shot by a photographer who went home to a meal after taking it.

He tells me about how he has a hard day ahead of him. I put the paper aside, "Oh please tell me about the hard life you lead." I laugh. "Well, I get up at 2 in the afternoon," he kisses the inner part of my elbow, "I wake up with a beautiful woman in my bed," he kisses my mouth, "And I have to get my haircut at 3."

Changing through loving memory

My Grandfather died at 6pm on August 3rd. At 3 We were told over the phone he was dying. We got to the hospital at 4. I was holding his wrist along with his entire family holding him as he flickered away. It was cancer, he never told anyone. It was a shock to all of our systems. Everyone is still in agreement that we expected him to live so much longer.

In the days that followed his death I placed a picture of him as a child on my bed then next to it one of his high school graduation, then his wedding photo, one of he and I when I was 2 then, one of my own graduation, lastly the image a had of his death bed. The common thread was in each photo his bright smile was beaming with pride and his eyes were full of joy. Then I thought, not too eloquently, "my God, this is one man's life." I thought "this is it. It's what you make of it."

With this realization my life broke in half. One half of my life was thrown forward as I watched the old me fall and drift out into oblivion. My mind told me to catch it before I lost it but my heart told me to let go. The people that I thought I mattered to me most were suddenly no where to be found and new people began to step into their place and still do such. It didn't bother me though; this happened when my Grandmother died as well. The only real difference is that when she passed I was lucky enough to have been in school where there was a plethora of people in one single environment. Now I have to force myself to go out into the world and seek the good experiences and good people for myself by myself. A tough tough thing to do for someone with an avoidant personality.

I have always been queen of "I was here first but you go ahead." I realize that I only take my fair share and that that share usually consists of an average slice. Nearly all of the time I know I deserve more and I know I deserve better than what I am left with. I don't know where I got that from but I can no longer stand this part of my personality. All I know is looking into my Grandfather's eyes (the brown had faded into navy from all the pain and drugs he was on) he recognized me. The pride that he held for me all his life was still there and he tried to lift himself up to hug me. Unfortunately he was wracked with too much pain to do so. I still feel in awe that this man loved me that much when I don't even think I love myself that much yet. And yes, I do think there is something wrong with that last sentence. I didn't recognize myself reflected in his eyes. I am forever proud of my Grandfather and grateful to him and proud to be his Granddaughter. I know now my dedication will be to capture once and for all, all of the potential and love he saw in me.

Time for the release of the old and beginning a new

It appears as though it has only been a little over a year since I have written. It feels like years though. This blog I started in NY working as an actress. It served me exceedingly well and helped put a damper on my loneliness. I moved back to San Diego for my reasons. My goal now had turned to becoming a full blown writer, meaning paid :) I'm the last year I was lucky enough to have both extreme happiness and crushing sadness and the pain that comes with both. This has molded me into something I feel is very very different than before. I realized that I missed blogging. Arianna Huffington was on Bill Maher the other night talking about how self expression was the new form of entertainment and that it could be used either highly or frivolously depending on what people do with it. I'd like maybe try a little of both.

Peace + <3
BC/JJ

New York, New York

I just got back to New York this week and there's snow everywhere and it's friggin' cold. I've decided that I'm going to move back to CA. I am auditioning for a school there in a few days and I've decided that it's time to try LA. It's another big move but it gets harder than I thought to be away from my loved ones. I've been prepping my audition for this school for a few months. A few years ago a friend of mine went to see them and he said that outside the space there were people crying and freaking out. That's the only thing that scares me, I really don't want to be in that tension. I'm as ready as I'll ever be but hell I don't want to watch others wig out in front of my very eyes.

Hollywood dreams?

Out of nowhere I started listening to Jagged little Pill, I forgot how much I love that album. How I loved it when I was a girl, and right after it was a P.J Harvey song (M-Bike) Damn, I'm in love with my Ipod. I'm watching Prey for Rock and roll, It's such a cheesy movie but I love Gina Gershon. I'm prepping myself for the move back. I'm not sure how I feel about it yet, knowing that I'll be going there in snowy weather isn't exciting me exactly, but I am preparing on going back and taking the city by the balls cause I have no other choice but to do so. I worked my ass of to get there now I have to work my ass of there to get back here/hollywood. 

All about the community

So, I've decided to apply for Grad schools at least for now, who knows what my life will be like from one minute to the next. I've been apply to gigs in LA but no one has bit yet. It's so easy in New York I've had to turn down parts while I am here, what is L.A.'s problem? I found out today, that an old friend dropped me and blocked me from myspace and I find it sad and comical as hell. I really don't know what I did to this person and I am surprised that I actually noticed cause I am rarely on there. But wow, I've spoken to this person awhile ago and everything seemed normal. I am going to end up erasing my profile eventually, this whole internet community thing is so strange and silly that instead of someone telling you to leave them alone they can just go. Even when it seems like they were all there. P.S If your reading this this is the last second I will ever think on you.

Doggie Doggie

My 13 year old dog named Wilbur died today. He was a black Dachshund that we got when he was a puppy from the litter of my Grandmothers dog. I kind of had a feeling about him when I saw him when I got home. He wasn't looking well. He hadn't been eating for the last couple of days and I went out today and looked into his dog house and he wasn't breathing. God, this is the hardest part about having pets, you know they don't live long compared to us but it doesn't make the attachment any less severe. It made me think for some reason, where did this little spirit go? My poor little dog all cold and curled up with his eyes closed. I know some people find it silly to be so attached to an animal but I am one of those people who find it hard not to be. And, in away if you've had an animal in your life for a long time like Wilbur, it's almost like a part of your past died with him. If that makes any sense, like it's time to move on and live. Poor little guy. Bye Wilbur, I love you.

Contemplating life and career

So, I'm back in California trying to figure out where exactly I want to be in my life. What exactly do I want to do. I forgot how nice it was to wear what you like and not worry day to day about what you look like. I read once someone describe New Yorkers as all dressed in black so that no one would be worried that they would be out of style; It's completely true. If there's one thing I noticed New Yorkers can do well it is make a head to toe black outfit seem original by alternating textures. I've been pretty frustrated lately with the roles available in the ads, everyone wants the same thing, the same women in a category that I don't belong in or want to.

 I'm feeling torn between living my way in California or going to NY and doing it their way until I can do it my way. 10 years ago I would have never questioned wearing the clothes I wanted or looking how ever I wanted and the scariest thing is now I question whether or not people -whom I probably will never meet or care about- will find me offensive or ugly or poor. I would have never cared about it back then, when did I change?

It makes me think about the book the Fountainhead and the character of Peter who goes through life always pleasing others and having them be the first thing on his mind, which to him is expectance which is the love he is looking for, and ultimately he grows into an empty shell with basically no soul. That scares me, after I read that book I could see how easy it would be to be that kind of a person. There must be some form of that young, hardcore, I'm-gonna-do-it-my-own-damn-way chick inside me somewhere and I have to rescue her before she get eaten alive by one more Madison Avenue piece of shit telling her she's too fat while she glosses her janis-from-the-muppet-show giant lips. I went to New York, did some gigs but something is still missing and if I am gonna change in anyway I would rather grow, Not shrink.

Back again

I'm Back in San Diego for the Holiday season. I went back on the train, It wasn't as bad an experience as everyone had made it out to be. It was pretty neat to see all the different seasons change before my eyes even though it is November. I went from cold to 80 degrees here in California. I loved crossing the Rockies, I had this protective feeling about it, it was so beautiful that I felt I would scream if I saw a piece of trash anywhere...

Journal entry 11-14-08:

We passed through the Rockies this morning. Colorado was snowing especially when we hit Trinidad. It looked like powdered sugar dusted all over the earth. My first thought was to question if what I saw was white sand and then I noticed the flurries. 

We just hit New Mexico, it was as if the window switched channels. The sun appeared and the snow abruptly stopped. The mountains are flatter here. I see a few mesas, everything is yellow and tan. The only green that remains is a dark forest color. Combined with the clouds that stretch across the sky the land creates a horizon of opportunity and welcome, I can imagine that this is what the settlers saw once they made it over the worst of those mountain peaks.

Read a freakin' book...

I'm leaving next Wednesday for San Diego, I am so excited to see my family, friends and dogs again. I'm taking the train which is a 3 day journey, I've heard both arguments for it, some people describe it as almost zen like and others tell me I will be so bored. I am bringing enough reading and movies so I think I'll be good. I went to Barnes and Noble yesterday looking for the new Maya Angelou book: Letter to my Daughter. My God, I am nearly finished with it and it is my favorite book she has written so far. The eloquence of this amazing woman is beyond anything I can hope to achieve. There was a book signing a week or two ago which I missed and am still a little angry about but I have seen her speak before in high school which I will remember forever. As she nears the dawn of her life this book is a treasure that she leaves to us, It makes me think of Kurt Vonnegut's last book: Man without a County (at least it was supposed to be) which is pretty great too.
Lately I've been on a reading kick, It started with my computer being in the shop, I've decided to read the entire Strand 80. I've already read 22 of them which was pretty impressive. I'm getting really into Ayn Rand she's not what I expected at all.

***
1. Maya Angelou
2. Anais Nin
3. Ayn Rand
4. Kurt Vonnegut
5. Paulo Coelho

I'm Back ya'll

I think I want Tyler Florence! He's so sexy! The Australian(?) guy on Boy meets grill is hot too. Anyway, I took a few days off as you can see to get back into the groove of my life. I was "homeless" last saturday, which was cool at first but then sucked when my feet started to hurt. I stayed the night with my friend and her awesome cat. I love her place, It's in Astoria too.

I closed Richard III on Saturday too. It was a great show and we had an amazing final night. The roles I had were great. I love that I got to do a shakespearian comedy and history/drama back to back and test my chops for both of them. I love working at the ATA but I am super-excited to get back into auditioning. I want to do more film projects since I spent a good two months on stage I want to get back into the swing of film again.

I had an amazing first official non-committed day at home. I went down to the post office and CVS. On my way back I bought some yellow pom-poms -their flowers, and found this really cute hidden away cafe called Freeze Peach on the corner that I never noticed before. Way more amazing then the Starbucks down the street, amazingly priced and portioned. It's like having coffee in your cool basement apartment. I can't wait to hang out there some more maybe get some work done when my apartment drives me nuts.

There

I understand that this is a journey that I have to make myself. It's hard when you set out from your home to holding on to nothing more than a dream and a place to stay (maybe not even that much). I have to learn how to adapt and go through the motions and learn to stand on my own two feet. It's not easy not being reassured every step of the way. Even when my heart sinks because of not getting a callback that I really wanted or being panic stricken about not making the rent this month, I have to stay calm and with myself. I have had chances to turn back but my heart says to push on and continue. 

I can only let this mood and state be a passing shadow in my life, the sun always rises in the morning.  I hope that what I am doing here in this city is like dropping stones into water and the ripples go on and on. I would like that. Alot of times I try to think of my blossoming career as water dripping out of a dam and eventually the dam will break and flood. I have hope within myself and hope with my talents and I have to believe that deep down they will not go unrewarded.