Contemplating life and career

So, I'm back in California trying to figure out where exactly I want to be in my life. What exactly do I want to do. I forgot how nice it was to wear what you like and not worry day to day about what you look like. I read once someone describe New Yorkers as all dressed in black so that no one would be worried that they would be out of style; It's completely true. If there's one thing I noticed New Yorkers can do well it is make a head to toe black outfit seem original by alternating textures. I've been pretty frustrated lately with the roles available in the ads, everyone wants the same thing, the same women in a category that I don't belong in or want to.

 I'm feeling torn between living my way in California or going to NY and doing it their way until I can do it my way. 10 years ago I would have never questioned wearing the clothes I wanted or looking how ever I wanted and the scariest thing is now I question whether or not people -whom I probably will never meet or care about- will find me offensive or ugly or poor. I would have never cared about it back then, when did I change?

It makes me think about the book the Fountainhead and the character of Peter who goes through life always pleasing others and having them be the first thing on his mind, which to him is expectance which is the love he is looking for, and ultimately he grows into an empty shell with basically no soul. That scares me, after I read that book I could see how easy it would be to be that kind of a person. There must be some form of that young, hardcore, I'm-gonna-do-it-my-own-damn-way chick inside me somewhere and I have to rescue her before she get eaten alive by one more Madison Avenue piece of shit telling her she's too fat while she glosses her janis-from-the-muppet-show giant lips. I went to New York, did some gigs but something is still missing and if I am gonna change in anyway I would rather grow, Not shrink.