So I get there today and meet a lovely actress waiting out front with me and I ask if she thinks we'll be asked for money, "do people really do that?" was her response. Then an actor shows up and greets us cheerily and says "so how long do you think they'll last before they ask us for money." I notice before we go in all of the actors are 20 somethings I think shit, money. This is the way they sucker you. I have already been on one of these calls where the end result was "pay up".
We are all lead to a freezing icebox of a blackbox theatre where this old women is ignoring our presence and a younger women is handing out papers for us to fill out. They are open ended questions about my technique and I think "shit, no one told me there was going to be a written exam!" Then after about fifteen minutes the dead has arisen, The old woman lifts her head and proceeds to go through this tirade about technique and method and how we should better ourselves as actors. She basically spouted off everything that I read in the Michael Schrleff Audition Book. She even used my personal favorite "you should give your money to me line", "You guys put all your money into classes but it doesn't make you good", but of course if we give her my credit card numbers my technique would be perfected.
The audacity of this woman was never ending, she told us that it was "imperative we take notes." I was so fucking bored that I took Mystery Science Theater 3000-esque notes in my book answering on paper what I wished I could have screamed at her. I would like to share them with you now:
Then what the fuck am I doing here?
Condelezza is a Ho.
You Can't win me over by mentioning Condelezza.
*she went on a tirade about smart successful people who have done a lot I think she mentioned Condelezza because the room was made up mostly of young african-american women and a few latinos, She might as well have said "Oprah", Don't mention the current office to young actors who are wearing Obama pins!
I didn't know I was coming to a lecture today
I still want to be on Broadway Bitch! ("Being on Broadway won't make you good")
It's about making money too.
Your also 80, you really want to listen to My Chemical Romance?
PBBBTH!
I feel your kinda nuts
Meisner is rolling in his grave...wait is he dead?
Oh, so I'm a rat now
I have cute feet
I like my eyes
I think you forgot where you are
Shut up Dude (There's always one)
a-dick-tion
What do you want lady?
I can, I love Shakespeare
You've been watching some bad Shakespeare
This lady orgasms to technique...Technique...TECHNIQUE
I'm not taking Meisner here, I'd rather go to the studio.
Breathe Deep
Away from here!?
So I'm supposed to go to the south now?
Cause their paid...HA
Then Pay me
You wanna get paid huh?
I've done 5 films in 3 months bitch
I hustle and work hard
Does that include cash?
Where's the Beef
Why do I feel like a seasoned professional in this room?
Here's the Cash
I'm broke bitch
I never got guidelines
I like sitting in the back
DON'T YELL!
like a cake
Thank you the Stella Adler Spouting harpee
Yes, Sense-say
I'm hungry
I worked with crazies
I read all this in the Audition book
Bottom line the lady wanted us to put together 20min pieces and submit them to her she would showcase the event but she wanted us to guarantee 15 sold tickets min. per show (2 to start off with) $20 and we are not paid or see any of our hard earned money. In turn we learn "technique". *sigh* It's really fucking sad when people use the who stars-in-their-eyes approach to cheat young actors out of money. I did "gorilla" theatre in college, some of my proudest work came of it, I'd do it again if it was a project with friends but I'm sorry other than that I'm done. I paid my dues and I deserve to be in a legitimate show. I don't need "reality acting training" lady fuck you I'd rather plug my money into the Strasberg studio than to you.
What's even worse was all of the nodding heads agreeing with what she was saying. My take is lady, this is a business and an art form and you can't cheat your way out of the business side so lets talk business you want me to bring in a designated amount of seats to your theatre for no pay and presumably I am financially responsible for those unfilled seats. Tell me that straight up, don't give me a fucking lecture about how I can be a rich actress but still suck, shit all I need to do is check out Perez Hilton for that. Watch out my fellow actors whom I love don't get suckered into these things it's very easy believe me, I almost coughed up 150 clams that I didn't have on an episode not unlike this a month ago, just from some sweet no nonsense talk.
Bottom line: If someone is going to help you in your career they are going to do it out of care or Karma never to further their own-selves or fill their pocketbooks. Trust me if it feels even remotely like a scam it is. You can gain "experience" for free! If anyone wants you to pay for their dreams it is better that you pay for your own..
Much love and Luck
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