Revised poetry on a rainy night

Within the give and take

I'm scared of what my actions will bring.
God knows,
I've known you
with such a red raw closeness
that I've now deemed too tender to touch;
So, I've cast all your fires out.
Heavy heart met the sensual wind and fled.

But, still you reside inside
buried deep
where I keep you straight jacketed
Reaching to claw at the walls.
***

The lies I told in the end

There was no fantasy.
The mind never
played our famous melody.
There was no weight tied to your splintered
knee.
Together was all total distraction
Infinitely disillusioned
Incomprehensibly blind.
No union of soul, body and mind
Now far too late to grow into.

Changing through loving memory

My Grandfather died at 6pm on August 3rd. At 3 We were told over the phone he was dying. We got to the hospital at 4. I was holding his wrist along with his entire family holding him as he flickered away. It was cancer, he never told anyone. It was a shock to all of our systems. Everyone is still in agreement that we expected him to live so much longer.

In the days that followed his death I placed a picture of him as a child on my bed then next to it one of his high school graduation, then his wedding photo, one of he and I when I was 2 then, one of my own graduation, lastly the image a had of his death bed. The common thread was in each photo his bright smile was beaming with pride and his eyes were full of joy. Then I thought, not too eloquently, "my God, this is one man's life." I thought "this is it. It's what you make of it."

With this realization my life broke in half. One half of my life was thrown forward as I watched the old me fall and drift out into oblivion. My mind told me to catch it before I lost it but my heart told me to let go. The people that I thought I mattered to me most were suddenly no where to be found and new people began to step into their place and still do such. It didn't bother me though; this happened when my Grandmother died as well. The only real difference is that when she passed I was lucky enough to have been in school where there was a plethora of people in one single environment. Now I have to force myself to go out into the world and seek the good experiences and good people for myself by myself. A tough tough thing to do for someone with an avoidant personality.

I have always been queen of "I was here first but you go ahead." I realize that I only take my fair share and that that share usually consists of an average slice. Nearly all of the time I know I deserve more and I know I deserve better than what I am left with. I don't know where I got that from but I can no longer stand this part of my personality. All I know is looking into my Grandfather's eyes (the brown had faded into navy from all the pain and drugs he was on) he recognized me. The pride that he held for me all his life was still there and he tried to lift himself up to hug me. Unfortunately he was wracked with too much pain to do so. I still feel in awe that this man loved me that much when I don't even think I love myself that much yet. And yes, I do think there is something wrong with that last sentence. I didn't recognize myself reflected in his eyes. I am forever proud of my Grandfather and grateful to him and proud to be his Granddaughter. I know now my dedication will be to capture once and for all, all of the potential and love he saw in me.

Time for the release of the old and beginning a new

It appears as though it has only been a little over a year since I have written. It feels like years though. This blog I started in NY working as an actress. It served me exceedingly well and helped put a damper on my loneliness. I moved back to San Diego for my reasons. My goal now had turned to becoming a full blown writer, meaning paid :) I'm the last year I was lucky enough to have both extreme happiness and crushing sadness and the pain that comes with both. This has molded me into something I feel is very very different than before. I realized that I missed blogging. Arianna Huffington was on Bill Maher the other night talking about how self expression was the new form of entertainment and that it could be used either highly or frivolously depending on what people do with it. I'd like maybe try a little of both.

Peace + <3
BC/JJ

Sweet Land of Hate

So I subscribe to Rachel Maddow's twitter and she just sent this out:
Pic 1: Pic 2: Explanation: At Obama event today:

Frankly I find this more of a threat to my President and my country more than any flag burning. That guy should have been arrested! This is not ok! It needs to be stopped now! I wish we could sick the Matthew Shepard Angel's on these people. What happened to this country, only 6 months ago if I was against the President I was deemed unpatriotic and an "unworthy inhabitant of this fair country" and now all of a sudden it's acceptable, no PATRIOTIC, to be completely against the current administration and not only that but make death threats. OH YEAH THAT'S SO AMERICAN?! Come to think of it it kind of is what other countries think of us right now. Divided and childish, you know the kind of people that stand in a hall meeting and shout things at each other without letting the other persons opinion be heard. God forbid anyone listen to the opponents point or do a little research on the facts that doesn't include wikipedia or google.

Our President has been in office six months, I refuse to believe that he is fucking up so badly to entail this! Six fucking months! Are you kidding where was this asshole sign holder during the Bush Administration? Did he even live in this country? And while I'm on the subject of President Obama and his administration might I just give publicly the one fingered salute to all those openly racist mother-fuckers that get coverage on political T.V. Fine you wanna prune something then can we prune the tree that Rush Limbaugh is on then, that shit's way over grown. And that dude that told Judge Sotomayor that she had some-splaning to do can eat shit and die as well. I'm sick of it really I grew up with this closeted racism my whole life and I would have never thought I would see the day where people can all but call someone the N or S word and it could be shown on daytime television (you know on a show other than Jerry Springer) and people just swallow this like a bad medicine hoping that it'll turn out ok. It's time for a friggin revolution. I'm not going to tolerate this ugliness anymore and I refuse to ignore it.


I can't take it anymore! We can not tolerate hate! Hate against race, sexuality and creed. The most patriotic thing I can think of is not tolerating this hidden hate anymore (especially when it is in the guise of religion), I'm gonna bring this garbage out in the open and let people know that I don't agree with this any more. We can't we can't let this stuff go on, the young Bloggers and twitters stop writing about the mundane shit in your life (No one cares that your headed to work, other than the dude that's going to relieve you) and write about things that matter and no I'm not talking about Brangelina. I think the part of the reason this stuff is going on is because our youth doesn't say anything.

Filling the Void

Back in SD... Twittering much more than I blog... Realized how much I belong in CA, even though sometimes it feels like I've been away for millions of years and people have moved on and forgotten me... Working on editing my book, 10 years in the making and I am determined to have a final copy to send out to publishers by the end of this year...Auditioning for things around town...Intend on doing projects in town before the big LA move...Need a friggin job but no one is hiring cause of the economy in the shitter...Listening to the cure... Think I'm gonna watch The Crow... So what's going on with you?

www.nataliedee.com

RIP

So I don't give a fuck what anyone thinks I am actually crushed that Michael Jackson died. I was in shock when I found out and last night I was crying and today I went to the Apollo and signed the floor and cried again. I just was watching Black or white and seeing Macauly Culkin so young made me realize that I was two years younger than him when that video came out and I was a huge fan then. Anyone who knew me as a kid knew how I was obsessed with Michael when I was a child and it never really changed (Don't make me get out the pictures! lol) I was such a lonely little girl and before I discovered rock all I had that gave me solace was my Michael Jackson tapes and recorded of the tv videos for quite awhile...I remember reading his lyric books that come with the CD's later and feeling the power that he had with words especially about loneliness and not fitting in...It's no wonder why I feel like I lost a childhood friend... I have never hidden the fact that I was a fan of his and I am not ashamed to admit that I am devastated that he is gone...

How TV Fucks children up...

I'm on you tube searching for old cartoons from my childhood cause that's what it's for. Now when I was little I watched an insane amount of cartoons and fantasy movies. So much so that sometimes I think that some of them might just be vivid dreams that I had and remember. I remember bits and pieces of them but in some cases don't remember names of programs. Which leads me to question sometimes whether or not they truly existed.

Case in point I have vivid memories of a show that is much like Rob Zombies art (see Beavis and Butthead do America trip out scene) I remember it was on MTV but that's about it. Many of the images I remember as vividly disturbing and scary but I watched and loved it anyway. Yet no one I describe this show to seems to remember it. This is the day that I found out that this cartoon wasn't a figment of my imagination, Ladies and Gentleman:
The Brothers Grunt:


Can you imagine a 11 year old watching that this day and age. I watched this clip and I felt sick. Yes, this shit still disturbs me to this day but I watched every episode.

I had a nightmare last night that I have had pretty often during my life. I know it stems from the movie Darby O'gill and the Little people. From the scene where he meets the banshee. I woke up thinking oh, that image is 50 years old it couldn't be as scary now as I thought it was, I was wrong:



It's kind of insane for me to think now that this is the stuff that I subjected myself to when I was a kid and more so that I actually took to loving it. I can remember after I saw the movie Darby O'gill I check out all the irish folklore books in my library and read a book called Wait til helen comes where a young girls sister sees a ghost. And Brothers Grunt made me want to watch Heavy Metal and then Wizard. Such disturbing images shaped my personality, in the 90's I now understand why parents at the time were so pissed off by it. But now these images are such a deep part of my psyche, ha, and I don't know if that's a good or bad thing.

There are a few other shows that I have in my head that I swear up and down are real I'll post them if I find them.