Save me from Myself

All these years thinking to myself I don't have OCD Nah, not me, then today in the shower (after taking a shot of Brandy to calm my ass down)I realized I'm a compulsive worrier. I worry about every damn thing and if there is nothing to fret about I'll make shit up in my head. It's insane, there's this great wanda sykes stand up (I was trying to find it on Youtube to show you all) where she talks about women thinking to much and the thoughts running through her head before she sleeps and then she's like what time is it? I need to go to sleep. That's how I am. I wonder if there is like a Worriers anonymous out there or something or if I should just get relax tattooed in reverse on my chest like Guy Pierces tattoos in Memento. Mile a minute mind damn, and people tell me to write it down, well hell why didn't I think of that.

I'm tired and I wanna go to bed

New York, New York, God Damn New York... I am torn every five minutes between wanting to make this last and wanting to get the hell out of here as soon as humanly possible. For starters it's too fucking cold out and all I end up doing is staying in and second I am convinced that absolutely no one has a job, even the people that you see in the stores and stuff, like it's all just an elaborate ruse; come on Berry work your magic. It fucking sucks being in this city with no job or prospects of a gig that will actually pay. It's not for lack of trying but this is some bullshit. I can sit on my ass and not work back in SD too and I wouldn't have to go shopping in 12 degree weather. Everyone says that a BA will let you go far, not in a recession/depression my friends. I just saw a headline walking home that said that jobs were expected to plummet tomorrow, I sure as shit am not going to hang around here and be poor. New York has got a meter running and It's almost done for me right now. I know that this is supposed to be a big time for actors out here with the impending strike in LA but people fail to see that the jobs out here are fruitful for UNION actors, non union still is non paying so I'm still screwed. I need some sort of hope in the form of a job would be nice cause I'm starting to loose my damn mind.

Random though before bed

Why do we as a society obsess about the talents of the talented who have died young? Reminding ourselves of what could have been but never will be. Are we that afraid of being satisfied with the here and now by only acknowledging what was?

And this one time in Henry the V....

I'm not an actors actor. I began to realize this recently. The other day I was at a restaurant with a friend and as we were leaving I heard the couple in the next booth talking about festivals ie. "Yes I auditioned for ___, and then when I was 25 I was in the longest run of____, I was the best Juliet ever." As I go through this crazy business I have noticed that more and more people are having this way of speaking ingrained in them. There's this great line in the movie/play Goodbye girl: Ask an actor a question he gives you his credits. Oh my God, am I finding this to be true. And I am terrible at it, I really don't want to work on the art of subtle name dropping and muckity-muck pretentious conversation. I mean I do what I do and I love it but the truth is I find discussing it to the point of nausea is boring for me and the listener. Point blank, I would rather tell you about my dog shitting on the kitchen floor then about a role that I auditioned for back in '01.

Change huh?

And so change is supposed to be coming tomorrow but I still here about ultra conservatives taking there beliefs into their own hands and violating people CASE IN POINT. What is wrong with people? Everyone stood by last year and allowed racist remarks "slip past" on television and as fighting dirty campaign tactics when they had nothing left and now women have to be afraid of going to the Ob/Gyn because they won't "believe" in my choice of birth control and violate me? Fuck that!

New York, New York

I just got back to New York this week and there's snow everywhere and it's friggin' cold. I've decided that I'm going to move back to CA. I am auditioning for a school there in a few days and I've decided that it's time to try LA. It's another big move but it gets harder than I thought to be away from my loved ones. I've been prepping my audition for this school for a few months. A few years ago a friend of mine went to see them and he said that outside the space there were people crying and freaking out. That's the only thing that scares me, I really don't want to be in that tension. I'm as ready as I'll ever be but hell I don't want to watch others wig out in front of my very eyes.

New Year, Real World addict.

HAPPY NEW YEAR Y'ALL!
Well it took them like 20 years but Real World has finally cast a Transgender roommate named Kaitlin and I love her. I've been watching that show since I was in Junior high (excluding last year, which sucked, you should never let bored teenagers cast anything) and I am stoked to see her there. There have been so many LGB people on that show, Pablo, Danny, Genesis were some of my favorites and I am so excited to see her on there, I love that younger generations will watch her experience Brooklyn and the way others will see her. I can see her totally helping the views of our youth for the better like the other roommates before her.
Much Love