Better than i ever even knew

  I went to the beauty store today for the first time in years. I tried on fragrance after fragrance trying to find a pretty, sexy scent like Thierry Mugler's Angel which Ryan gave me for Christmas. Bottle after beautiful bottle, I was entranced by the complexity of how different each scent was despite the same impressions. I know quite a bit about aromatherapy but I was still in awe of how each scent evoked a different spell or memory within me.

  I squirreled away two samples to try at home out of at least eight that I'd fallen in love with.

1.) Viktor & Rolf's Flowerbomb transported me to a bright, cotton candy, flowering field with delicate thorns in the bushes.

2.) Dior's Hypnotic Poison sprays on like a snake bite in Eden. A second whiff reminds me of covens, black clothes and dark winding towers. It's powerful and perfect for the witch in me.

   

   I'd like to wear more perfume. Add this simple small luxury to my personal beauty ritual. I used to worry about toxicity but the more I think about the natural or "holistic" way of cutting out products. The more it reminds me of deprivation. Like how the anorexia I struggled with as a child made me feel almost martyr-like; I feel like I was depriving myself of life's small things to make me feel as though I was doing something for the whole of the world. I had spiraled down in the name of feeling "pure" which is a total bummer.

  It's important to indulge in the things that make you happy and inspired. I felt so amazing and sexy wearing scents. They remind me to treat myself better. To indulge more. Everyone should do the things they consider soul and spiritually nourishing. I have re-discovered for myself that part of this is glamour.

Xo

B.C.

Here she comes

I had chose to leave this blog and create a new one. Like a snake shedding its skin. I wanted to give people a version of what I thought I wanted to be. What others might want to see out of me and my writing. The more I tried to fit into a "new" me the more uncomfortable I felt. I felt a terrible restriction in creativity and my voice. I drew the word card this morning upside down. Things change. And I am returning with a new insight. I've always loved this blog and Bettie. I now bring to you my own emerging.


I hope you enjoy and keep in touch. I have so many goodies in store. I have also decided to leave up all my prior posts. A trail of bread crumbs for you to follow back to my origins if you will.

X.O. 

B.C

Perspective

Whenever I get sad about weighing 20 pounds less 5 yrs ago: I think about my diet consisting of only water, broccoli, hummus and pita bread; me running up flights of stairs for 8-12 hr shifts, and fainting all over the place like something out of a Jane Austen novel. Live your life ladies, we only have one go at it (that we know for certain)!

and i would understand

"I've loved the stars too fondly to fear the night,"

Try as hard as you may,

Between us

It will never seem right. 

I've been printing pages of circles that were once you and I 

(In my room by this fresh blue moon's light)

Lush green spirals in ivy labyrinths

are between us now,

what lies in the centre was all the hope we wanted. 

Try as we may to call to each other in our secret language,

made for twin spirits

we are lost

in the mists of our unconscious, 

for our speech was too hidden, 

one shrouded pile atop another,

and in our darkness,

neither 

you nor i 

want to be seen. 

she's in me, always with me

 

The theme for me this month is creativity.  

Reconnecting with the person that I dreamed of being as a girl.

Someone might say "the inner goddess"

But I would say just me.

 Without caring constantly about what I perceive people think about me.

I began belly dancing again.

 I used to do this a lot through high school up until a few years ago. 

It's my third week being taught by the beautiful Sabrina Fox.

(look her up if your in SD!)

Tribal Bellydance

This is a form I was never familiar with but am becoming more enchanted by it. 

It so raw, fun and witchy.

Right down my alley. 

It requires a great deal of letting go, and trust in your body, that your body is capable of executing the right moves. 

I find I do better when I just let my body flow and get entranced by the live drumming around me and

my fellow dancing sisters.

I live for my weekends now with my Dancing followed by my voice lessons.

Taught by the amazing Julianna Snapper.

I've come so very far. 

A goal I have for myself would be to have a creative career.

Ultimately a career supported by my creativity/artistry. 

That will take the ultimate self trust, discipline, and flow. 

Baby steps. 

Xo

Ps. Listen to Lia Ices. 

You only want it cause it's over

Someone's come back into my life again...

Putting it mildly, and it's driving me crazy.

I've worked so hard in breaking down my walls not being so hard hearted and hard on life. And now I feel like life is pop quizzing me. 

All I want to do is be mean and spew out the hurt I feel inside. 

At the same time I want to be at peace and love unconditionally...

The eternal Gemini forever Goth and Hippie :)

Is there a balance between this??

The worst part is not feeling like I can depend on this person. 

So much shattered trust. How do I forgive?? 

My heart is so weighed down tonight. 

It feels like I'm drowning. 

                           

                                 

"All we are saying..."

Forgiveness is in my cards....even if I sometimes don't believe...I've come to realize that it is the ultimate thing that will be the end of me if I don't let go and pardon. It is so so very hard though. It's in my nature to want to control most outcomes since I prefer only the surprises that are happy....but I deserve to be free of these prisons of my own making ...may the universe help my soul to fly!